me

2012-01-23T23:24:00.002-05:00

I have been battling, maybe not so much battling as that requires strength and some positive gains, enduring perhaps. I have been enduring depression for some time along with anxiety and panic and other things for quite some time. Lately, I often feel like I have hit a wall. I have hit a wall and there's this awful, horrible circle where I feel unable to control myself. Within that circle is when I feel helpless, forgotten, and destroyed. Within that circle is where the thoughts occur. The thoughts that terrify me, the thoughts that depression causes and I don't know how to come back from those thoughts. This buildup in my chest, this feeling that my chest is going to burst from an overload of emotion-grief, pain, fear, anxiety, depression, intensity, anger, concern, overwhelm, uncertainty, weakness, inability, despair..... This build up is locked away because no one will understand it, no one asks why my eyes look so sad or if I am okay. I have to figure this all out on my own because I am a grown woman. I am twenty-five and it is well past the time that I should have learned to stand on my own two feet emotionally. But the weight of all these emotions and doctor speak for being really fucked up is too much for my narrow shoulders to carry. The weight is too heavy for my damaged body and weary mind. These emotions are much too strong for one mere mortal to bear. The effects of this overflow of emotions is terrifying. In those moments it's all I can think of. It's taunting me like waving it's tiny hands calling 'I'm the only way you will feel better' and I am terrified that I am going to believe him. Sometimes I think I do and there is nothing more dangerous than that. A weak mind can not be exposed to such horrid, dark thoughts. A weak mind is defenseless against such nasty thoughts. I am terrified. I am tired. I am weak. I am terrified. And I don't know what to do about it.

2011-12-28T14:40:00.002-05:00

I have decided to use this blog again. I am going to bare my soul because no one has ever been there for me to do that. No one has ever been interested in seeing the real me, in knowing the thoughts in my head, the pain in my heart, and the reasons I became this damaged woman. I am going to write those things on this blog for me, to see if it helps to heal the pain that is still very much inside of me.

Happy Thanksgiving.

2010-11-25T18:02:00.002-05:00

On this day of thanks I am thinking of my mother. I am remembering various Thanksgivings with her and how she would spend hours cooking dinner for all of us. As I attempt to cook a meal and fail fairly terribly I think of my mother. I miss her. But I am thankful that I had her.

Nouns and nos

2010-11-08T13:50:00.002-05:00

I didn't think about it before but now that you brought it to my attention I can't stop thinking about it. I am really starting to like the idea but I'm afraid it's just the idea that I like and not the noun that goes with it. But the noun is pretty appealing too. When I stop and think about it that is. But there are a lot of verbs and adjectives that aren't so nice that go right along with said noun. I wish I could stop thinking about it because it is seriously driving me crazy. If I try that's a bad idea. If I don't that's generally the way I go. I am curious of how I would be with that noun. Maybe nice? But maybe not? And then there's the other noun that I can't tell if it's referring to me and if so I feel bad. I never asked for this. In fact I'm pretty sure that I have built myself up to be protected from it. What should I do?

November 6th

2010-11-07T15:09:00.002-05:00

So, yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my mother's passing. I truly can not believe that it has been 10 years. It seems like only a few years ago not 10. Often on November 6th I am very sad. I might cry. I might be really depressed. I might be withdrawn. This year I wanted to celebrate my mother's life. I wanted my family to all get together on this one day and talk about my mom. We never talk about our mom. I don't know why. I often feel this overwhelming need and desire to talk about my mom but I don't really have anyone to turn to. If I bring her up I run the risk of hurting everyone else. Yesterday, I didn't cry. I didn't break down. I felt okay. Which is the most ridiculous way to feel on that day. Isn't it? I take some comfort in my reaction. Everyday is another day without my mother. That probably sounds odd. It's just this crazy, awkward, sad, stomach dropping, skin tingling feeling occurs when thinking about my mother being gone so gone, thinking about the ten years that I have faced without her, and the possibility of more years without her. It's sad and difficult. I think my mom would actually be proud of me for not breaking down. I just hope I can keep it up.

It's just crazy that it has been so long.

????

2010-08-14T00:19:00.003-04:00

I haven't been writing much lately. I haven't written on this blog, I haven't written stories. I just haven't written. I continuously find myself wanting to write things that belong in a journal and not on a blog for anyone and everyone to see. But I do feel that writing what I am thinking and feeling could help me feel better about them. I want to write about what I feel but I don't want it to sound like I am whining or complaining because that is not my intention. Well, I'll think about it.l

Books have souls to bare, lives to share, and time to spare

2010-04-09T20:13:00.006-04:00

Books are the things with feathers
That perches in your soul... (Isn't that what Emily Dickinson said?)

Books are amazing things but they are also dreadful things. Maybe I am the only weird one who feels this way. That is a complete and likely possibility. Each book gives us a glimmer of life for each character.

It permits us to see Chloe fall in love with Derek, in Kelley Armstrong's Darkest Powers Series, even though Chloe doesn't see it herself. "When I thought of Derek leaving, the ground seemed to slide under my feet..."

It shows us the terrible inner struggle that Annabel Greene fights everyday in Sarah Dessen's Just Listen. "There comes a time in every life when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn to know the sound of it. Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying..."

The words of Lisa Tucker startle us with the horrific truth of Patty Taylor's life in Shout Down the Moon and the mistakes we watch Patty make cause her intense pain that makes us nearly cry. "He grabs the belt loops of my shorts and spins me around. I'm out of breath, but I manage to scream, "Let me go"....."

Lois Duncan's Ransom conjures the emotions of a boy with a underdeveloped arm and lifetime of mental scars. We see Dexter and Jesse push each other away only to realize they understand each other far better than anyone else can. "Jesse sat in silence, gazing down at the boy before her, at the sturdy man's body with the wasted, underdeveloped arm and shoulder no bigger than a child's. So this is the reason, she thought. This is the reason for all the anger, the defensiveness, the bitterness. This is the reason for Dexter Barton..."

The House Next Door oozes Emma's need for understanding, acknowledgement, and love. She's lost in world, beautifully written by Richie Tankersley Cusick, where she longs for the love that makes her feel whole. "I miss the way he loved me. I miss the way I was special to him..."

Our devotion to the ones we love and our desire to keep them safe is expertly portrayed by Joan Lowery Nixon in Murdered, My Sweet. ""I did listen to you," I said. "You promised to protect Mom's reputation, and I believed you..."

Words are immeasurable in the effects they have on people. Good or bad, words have the possibility to inspire a profound reaction. Words put the reader into the world of the character. They allow us to hear, see, feel, and observe the world the character faces. We relate to the emotional state, we endure the painful dialogue, we flinch at the disturbing experiences the characters go through. We compare these lives to our own lives and then we spot the differences. They feelings we've never felt but long to experience in person. The unity we do not have that we crave so badly. The sense of family that we are missing that makes us want to weep. Words are powerful. Words are moving. Words are much more than simple things on paper.

A poem by Amanda

2010-04-09T15:49:00.002-04:00

Words on paper,
oh holy words.
letters in mind,
forming in a not so straight line.

my head speaks logic.
my heart speaks truth.
my soul begs for my words
to spill upon the page,
while wind and soft light
caress my back
and shadows dance across
the forbidden track.

a smile fully plastered
on my lips,
my body filling up
with happiness
i did not know i had.

Praise

2010-03-26T22:42:00.002-04:00

Well, as you can see I have not been doing a good job of keeping up on this here blog. And for goodness sake's it is Women's History Month. I should be blogging about all the great women and all the great things they have done. Instead, I have left this poor blog to sit in awkward boredom. My apologies blog.

I should be expressing my utmost thanks to the women of earlier generations. The women who fought for the right to vote, burned their bras in protest, and made it okay for women to be smart (or in my case want to be).

Louisa May Alcott
Susan B. Anthony
Elizabeth Blackwell
Maya Lin
Dr. Sally Ride
Margaret Sanger
Margaret Thatcher
Harriet Tubman
Victoria Woodhull

Behind every great movement in history is a strong, intelligent woman.

Thank you women whose names are in textbooks and women who worked their lives toward a goal and did not get their names into our school lesson plan. Thank you for working hard. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for being strong enough, smart enough, loud enough, and brave enough to make change happen.

Women Inventors

2010-02-24T15:56:00.002-05:00

From www.women-inventors.com:

Mary Anderson
Inventor of Windshield Wipers

Barbara Askins
Inventor of a New Film Developing Method

Dr. Grace Murray Hopper
COBOL Computer Language

Mary Phelps Jacob
Inventor of the Modern Brassiere

Poem by Charlotte Scadeng

2010-02-11T18:32:00.002-05:00

Featured on: http://www.dailyinfo.co.uk/dailyinfo/antivalpoetry.htm

VALENTINE SHMALENTINE
All the kissing couples
And the teddy bears in mugs.Annoying shaped balloons.
And big pink cards that promise hugs.
Cupid's arrow didn't hit
Me anywhere this year.
So me, myself and I will
Drown our sorrows in some beer.
The 14th of the 2nd month
Is just another day.
So why the crazy air of love?
It just gets in the way.
I'd rather go out with my friends
Or sit at home and read.
I'd like a boyfriend, yes I would.
But its not a desperate need.
So "down wiv valentiney things"
"Down wiv love" I say.
Down with all the bears in mugs
ITS JUST ANOTHER DAY!!
Charlotte Scadeng

A poem by Joanna Fuchs (whoever you are)

2010-02-11T18:28:00.001-05:00

Valentine Smile
On Valentine's Day we think of those
Who make our lives worthwhile,
Those gracious, friendly people who
We think of with a smile.
I am fortunate to know you,
That's why I want to say,
To a rare and special person:Happy Valentine's Day!
By Joanna Fuchs

2010-01-05T13:08:00.002-05:00

What am I feeling at this precise moment. I am feeling anxious. I am feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling underwhelmed. I am feeling annoyed. I am feeling antsy. I am feeling stuck. I am feeling afraid. I am feeling bothered. I am feeling lost. I am feeling bitter. I am feeling aggravated. I am feeling discouraged. I am feeling confused.

comedy through the ages

2009-12-10T13:46:00.004-05:00

14
the age i was when
i loved you so much
i told you everything
i lost you
i lost myself
i was torn apart
15
the age i was when
i got my first job
i was harassed continuously by an older man
i started being completely responsible for myself
i started to spiral downward
i was still heartbroken and felt alone
16
the age i was when
i still didn't know how to put the pieces back together
i got my second job
i moved again
i wanted to quit school
i missed you so much it hurt
i couldn't stop crying
i had no money
i was hardly eating
i was living in a house that had the electricity and water turned off every other month
i was falling apart even more
17
the age i was when
i moved again
i trusted the wrong people
i really wanted to quit school
i realized that i couldn't count on anyone
i felt hopeless
18
the age i was when
i wanted to believe in love
i wanted to feel special
i wanted to trust people
i wanted to be happy
i still wasn't happy
i still wasn't whole
i still hurt so badly
i was betrayed by my family
i was hurt by lies and fakes
i was looking for more

what now

2009-12-07T13:37:00.003-05:00

What now?
What now my dear?
You are not listening I fear

to the sounds of growing up
lost in the rumble of trying to jump
back to the past
because it went too fast

what now?
what now my dear?
You are not listening I fear

to the words escaping my mouth
paying attention to the back and forth
of your parents hurtful words
wishing you were a bird

what now?
what now my dear?
You are not listening I fear

for you are too busy
making things messy
attempting to distract yourself
from the fact that you're all by yourself

What now?
What now my dear?
You are not listening I fear

to the path
let's do the math
one road that holds your dreams
one road that doesn't gleam

listen to your heart
it knows the rhythm of this part
trust it
as you see fit.

hair day caused a trip down memory lane

2009-11-20T15:53:00.003-05:00

Hair of brown
heart of gold
oh so cute

pudgy little fingers
round circle face

hair pinned back
with a colorful band

eyes wide
nerves on a ride

school today

sister tells me
that my clothes
don't match

straightens my hair
begs me to wear it down

I will not
My mother put it up
up it will stay until the end of the day

hair will be frizzy
hair will be messy
hair will be unruly

but up it will stay
untouched since my mother first put it up

Mother refuses to abandon child, Army arrests her

2009-11-17T09:51:00.003-05:00

The following article is from Yahoo. Click the title of my blog entry to directed to the story:

Soldier mom refuses deployment to care for baby

AP – This undated self-portrait provided by Army Spc. Alexis Hutchinson shows Spc. Hutchinson and her son, …
Slideshow:U.S. Military
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By RUSS BYNUM, AP Military Writer Russ Bynum, Ap Military Writer – Mon Nov 16, 9:32 pm ET
SAVANNAH, Ga. – An Army cook and single mom may face criminal charges after she skipped her deployment flight to Afghanistan because, she said, no one was available to care for her infant son while she was overseas.
Spc. Alexis Hutchinson, 21, claims she had no choice but to refuse deployment orders because the only family she had to care for her 10-month-old son — her mother — was overwhelmed by the task, already caring for three other relatives with health problems.
Her civilian attorney, Rai Sue Sussman, said Monday that one of Hutchinson's superiors told her she would have to deploy anyway and place the child in foster care.
"For her it was like, 'I couldn't abandon my child,'" Sussman said. "She was really afraid of what would happen, that if she showed up they would send her to Afghanistan anyway and put her son with child protective services."
Hutchinson, who is from Oakland, Calif., remained confined Monday to the boundaries of Hunter Army Airfield in Savannah, 10 days after military police arrested her for skipping her unit's flight. No charges have been filed, but a spokesman for the Army post said commanders were investigating.
Kevin Larson, a spokesman for Hunter Army Airfield, said he didn't know what Hutchinson was told by her commanders, but he said the Army would not deploy a single parent who had nobody to care for his or her child.
"I don't know what transpired and the investigation will get to the bottom of it," Larson said. "If she would have come to the deployment terminal with her child, there's no question she would not have been deployed."
Hutchinson's son, Kamani, was placed into custody overnight with a daycare provider on the Army post after she was arrested and jailed briefly, Larson said. Hutchinson's mother picked up the child a week ago and took him back to her home in California.
Hutchinson, who's assigned to the 3rd Combat Aviation Brigade of the Army's 3rd Infantry Division, joined the Army in 2007 and had no previous deployments, Sussman said. She said Hutchinson is no longer in a relationship with the father.
The Army requires all single-parent soldiers to submit a care plan for dependent children before they can deploy to a combat zone.
Hutchinson had such a plan — her mother, Angelique Hughes, had agreed to care for the boy. Hughes said Monday she kept the boy for about two weeks in October before deciding she couldn't keep him for a full year.
Hughes said she's already having to care for her ailing mother and sister, as well as a daughter with special needs. She also runs a daycare center at her home, keeping about 14 children during the day.
"This is an infant, and they require 24-hour care," Hughes said. "It was very, very stressful, just too much for me to deal with."
Hughes said she returned Kamani to his mother in Georgia a few days before her scheduled deployment Nov. 5.
She said they told her daughter's commanders they needed more time to find another family member or close friend to help Hughes care for the boy, but Hutchinson was ordered to deploy on schedule.
Larson, the Army post spokesman, said officials planned to keep Hutchinson in Georgia as investigators gathered facts about the case.
"Spc. Hutchinson's deployment is halted," Larson said. "There will be no deployment while this situation is ongoing."
___
Russ Bynum has covered the military based in Georgia since 2001.

MY THOUGHTS:

How is it okay to arrest a parent who asks for an extension on deployment to find someone to care for their child while they are away? It's not okay. Soldiers are the defenders of our country. They deserve respect, admiration, and support. The woman in the story I am referring to is a military cook. Is this a crucial position that only a set number of people can do? I understand that someone else should not be shipped out in her place. She signed up for the job and it was her call to be deployed. It wouldn't be fair for someone else to have to fill in for her. But she is a single parent to a 10 month old child. She doesn't have anyone to care for her child while she is away. It could be weeks, months, even a year before she is back.

The military says that single parents without another caregiver for their children are not deployed. Why was this woman arrested then?

I don't understand things sometimes.

It is a scary world for soldiers when they are deployed to places like Iraq to fight in a war that has lost it's meaning. I support my country. I support our troops. I could never do what they do. They are brave, strong, and incredible.

I could never go to a country that lacks the very things that Americans take for granted. Like clean running water, air conditioning, clean clothes, houses, food. I am very grateful and thankful for the things I have. I am thankful for the people who gave them to me.

The government should be helping our soldiers. They should be protecting them. Single parent soldiers should not face having their children forced into foster homes so that they can be deployed.

What decides Independent Status:

2009-10-22T13:50:00.000-04:00

For the 2009-2010 award year, the law defines an independent student as one who meets at least one of the following criteria:
* was born before Jan. 1, 1986; * is legally married on the date he or she applies ("legally married" includes applicants who are separated but not divorced); * is working on a master's or doctoral program in the 2009-2010 award year; * is currently serving on active duty in the U.S. Armed Forces (or is a member of the National Guard or Reserves called up to active federal duty for a purpose other than training); * is a veteran of the U.S. Armed Forces; * has dependent children who receive more than half of their support from the applicant; * has legal dependents, other than children or a spouse, who live with and receive more than half of their support from the applicant; * had no living parent, was in foster care, or was a dependent/ward of the court since the applicant turned age 13; * is (or was) an emancipated minor as determined by a court in the applicant's state of legal residence; * is (or was) in legal guardianship as determined by a court in the applicant's state of legal residence; * was determined by the applicant's high school or school district homeless liaison as an unaccompanied youth who was homeless at any time on or after July 1, 2008; * was determined by the director of an emergency shelter or transitional housing program funded by the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development as an unaccompanied youth who was homeless at any time on or after July 1, 2008; or * was determined by the director of a runaway or homeless youth basic center or transitional living program as an unaccompanied youth who was homeless or was self-supporting and at risk of being homeless at any time on or after July 1, 2008.
A student who meets none of the above criteria is considered dependent and therefore must complete all parental questions on the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA), as well as provide a parent's signature.
You should contact the financial aid office at your school if you believe that your circumstances warrant a special determination. The school's decision is final and cannot be appealed to the U.S. Department of Education.
If you have other questions about financial aid, application procedures, eligibility formulas or other student aid topics, please contact the Federal Student Aid Information Center (FSAIC) at 1-800-4-FED-AID (1-800-433-3243) or 319-337-5665 between 8:00 a.m. and midnight EST, Monday through Friday, and 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Saturday. You may also e-mail general questions about financial aid by clicking on the "Contact Us' link at our Web site (www.FederalStudentAid.ed.gov) if you have further questions.

WHERE DO I FIT IN THIS? NOWHERE.

Education in a little place called the United States

2009-10-22T08:39:00.002-04:00

This is posted on the White House website under President Obama's Plan for Education:

Guiding Principles:
Providing a high-quality education for all children is critical to America’s economic future. Our nation’s economic competitiveness and the path to the American Dream depend on providing every child with an education that will enable them to succeed in a global economy that is predicated on knowledge and innovation. President Obama is committed to providing every child access to a complete and competitive education, from cradle through career.

Restore America’s Leadership in Higher Education
President Obama is committed to ensuring that America will regain its lost ground and have the highest proportion of students graduating from college in the world by 2020. The President believes that regardless of educational path after high school, all Americans should be prepared to enroll in at least one year of higher education or job training to better prepare our workforce for a 21st century economy.
To accomplish these overarching goals, the President is committed to increasing higher education access and success by restructuring and dramatically expanding college financial aid, while making federal programs simpler, more reliable, and more efficient for students. The President has proposed a plan to address college completion and strengthen the higher education pipeline to ensure that more students succeed and complete their degree. His plan will also invest in community colleges to equip a greater share of young people and adults with high-demand skills and education for emerging industries.

My question:
Why isn't this happening?

Silly misunderstanding running through our minds

2009-10-11T15:52:00.003-04:00

You
only know
so much
I
only know
so much
You
have heard nothing
I've said
I
have learned
to listen
to all
the words
even when
I don't
want
to hear
them
You
struggle
with thoughts
feelings
pains
problems
looking to
others
to solve them
I
want to
help
want
to make
it all better
for you
but
I can't
I don't
You
only
make things
WORSE
I
only
know
myself
You
want
something
that's not real
the
person
you made
me up
to be
the
idea
that I
am
special
right
for
you
That's
NOT
true
we
both know
but
You
do not
spare me
the
pity
or
the regret
of
hurting
you
I
try
to
tell
you easily
You
don't
even
believe
what you
say
about me
I
know
we
aren't meant
to be for
each other
You
know
we aren't
meant
to be
together
I
won't change
You
want comfort
I
can't give
You
want love
I
don't have
You
want sex
I
won't give
There's
no
point
to
lie
to
ourselves
anymore
You
are not
who I thought you
were
I
am not who you
want me
to be
I
am okay
with that
You
will be too.

A letter to the multiple guys who pretended to know me only to disappoint me

2009-10-10T23:36:00.004-04:00

I don't let people get too close to me. Even people who I have known for years still don't quite know me. They have no idea what to give me as a Christmas present or what I like to do. They don't know the reasons behind my reservations. They don't know my struggles. I omit the details with some people. I realize people have a hard time getting to know me. I act one way in one situation and another way in a different situation. It's my guard I guess. It's what I feel like I have to do, what I am suppose to do. It makes it hard to trust people. I don't make a habit of trusting people. It hasn't always worked out for me.

I can understand the curiosity that comes along with finding out that I person my age hasn't really dated. I get that. I even get the personal slightly offensive questions that arise. Generally it doesn't bother me to answer them. But when they continue on farther than they should that is when it really starts to bother me. I don't go around asking you about your "personal life". I don't understand your interest in mine. Do you think there is so magically mystery to it? Do you think you can be the one to change my decision?

I hate the way people look at me because of this. I hate the way they seem so surprised and then proceed to try to pin point exactly what is wrong with me. There's a difference between genuinely wanting to help and just wanting to hear as much as possible. I don't want to say too much here but I am annoyed. I am hurt. I am aggravated. And I am slightly pissed off. I am not a freak. Please stop treating me like one. I struggle with the realization that I am not a weirdo. Sometimes I think I am. Sometimes I think I am broken. I don't need your judging attitude. I don't need your degrading questions or hurtful feelings.

I am not perfect. I am not a lot of things. I hate how people jump to conclusion based on my answers to their questions. You don't understand me at all and I see that know. I am disappointed. I hear this all too much and it really hurts. It's discouraging.

Also, I am not a backup plan. I just don't think I can deal with that anymore. Do you understand how it makes me feel when you only call me when you are having girl troubles or break ups?

I don't want to be that girl to people. It makes me feel inferior. Defective. Not good enough. Not pretty enough.

I want to be accepted for my decisions, morals, feelings, and thoughts. Not belittled, questioned, and patronized. I don't care what it means to you to be with a girl like me. I don't care what it looks like I stand for. I am not proud of every decision I have ever made but I think I am with this one. I don't care what it all means to you, I care what it all means to me.

2009-10-07T22:52:00.003-04:00

I have been feeling pretty damn blah lately. I have been trying to bring myself out of this funky mood I have been in for the past few...well, honestly, years. I go through this I guess. Times of feeling bad, times of feeling clueless, friendless, annoying, all around bad about myself.

I can honestly say that sometimes it is overwhelming to be in my head.

I worry about everything. Pick a random trivial topic and I bet I worry about it. I can't help myself.

I need to just delete this blog.

Oddness from the oddest

2009-09-28T23:17:00.003-04:00

I feel the desire to write. I realize that this blog has become a mini biography/self bashing forum/ pity party at times. I am thinking I need to stop writing here and start a private journal. It's just more expressive to write my thoughts and experiences somewhere that a complete stranger can stumble upon them. Maybe I shouldn't like the idea of that. It feels more like communicating here than simply writing the words on a piece of paper for only myself to read. I know what I am thinking or feeling or what I have experienced. This is turning out to be just another one of those blogs I was describing.

A girl I used to know

2009-09-26T00:30:00.002-04:00

Lately I have been thinking about a lot of things. Thinking about the past. I have been reflecting on the things that I have experienced. I realize I have said to many people that I have been through a lot. And I think I recently actually realized that I have been through a lot. When I think back to the jobs I've had that's a large portion of the negative situations I have endured. I never should have had to deal with half of the things I did at my jobs.

I know people usually always say what you go through makes you stronger but I don't necessarily believe that. I think the things I have experienced have made me bitter, angry, afraid, hesitant, resistant, doubting.

Friends turned out to be liars. Coworkers turned out to be jerks. I have feel like the joke of the whole thing.

I was young when i first started working. Young and stupid. I trusted the people around me. I ignored things I shouldn't have because I was afraid I was reading into them or I was afraid I would get someone into trouble. I didn't defend myself like I should have. I was naive.

I have been called many names. I have been cussed out. I have been treated like an enemy. I have been conned.Have I learned from this? I'd like to think so. I think I have. Have I let it get the best of me? Probably and I don't like that. Do I let it nag me and have control over me? For a long time there was one situation in particular that I let get to me. It bothered me so badly. I thought about it all the time. Weeks, months, years later I still thought about that moment with a serious mix of emotions. Maybe that is why I am so set on being the person I want to be, the person I say I am.

I have many stories to tell and a strong desire to tell them. Rehashing them will most likely bring about a few tears, a few angry words, and a whole mess of feelings. There are truly many things that I regret but some of the outcomes I finally realize are probably for the best. If I didn't have that negative experience and jerk guy moment I would probably still be at my first job without a second thought about school. At least I know a little more about what I want now. And I know without a doubt in my mind I never wanted him. I never needed him. I never desired him. Maybe I wanted to, maybe I thought I needed to but I didn't. And that, makes me feel better about myself. I know who I am. At times I don't fully like myself. But I know what I need to work on and I know what I do like about myself. And if I ever would have allowed myself to become involved with him I would be completely different. And I would absolutely hate myself.

surprise in a library book

2009-08-23T15:34:00.004-04:00

words on a sheet of paper
speaking to my soul
it shouldn't be possible
for such a feeling to propel
from a mere letter on a silly piece of paper

i am not the intended reader
i am not the creator
words of wonder stumbled upon by me
letters added to a book

your heart your fear your learning
left there for me to read
it hits a spot in me
that i didn't know i had

words on a sheet of paper
things i don't know much about
hits me in a way that others know nothing about

faceless author
ghostly person
i don't know you
.......maybe i do
in some shape or form

words on a silly piece of paper
such beauty and pure honesty
there's pain between the lines
sparkled with a pinch of doubt
that's hope on the back
the most solid part of all
there's understanding dripping from the pages
with a side of unease

moving words written on diner receipts
you don't know i've read
i wonder if you ever wanted anyone to see them
i feel i may have betrayed you

but you should know, those words on a sheet of paper.....
.....those words written on a silly piece of paper
were inspiring
were touching
were sweet
were odd
i hope you know that
i hope you share them with the ones that inspired them
i hope it helps and i hope you are okay

Gerascophobia

2009-08-21T12:24:00.001-04:00

It's my birthday

A lesson in who I am

2009-08-14T10:22:00.003-04:00

It's funny how we go through our daily lives not thinking about the things we actually do. Where we go. Who we are with. What we do.

I had these two days of conscience/moral checking it seems. They seemed like days that were testing me. Trying to see if I follow through on what I say I believe. I think I surprised myself with the results.

Exhibit A: guy at Best Buy. I could have easily complained about the guy and then just driven away. Instead I decided to do what I thought he should have. I pick up the case he "discarded" and took it home. I placed it in the recycling bin where I strongly feel it belongs. I picked it up from the ground. The dirty contaminated public parking lot ground. My sister seemed proud. Honestly, I was a little surprised. I am the girl who washes her hands a million times a day. I didn't freak out about it. I just did it and didn't really think about the fact that it was a step in the right direction for me. I know any one normal who reads this will think "what's the big deal? So you touched something from the ground." But OCD has had a strong hold on me. I've felt it's hold quite a bit lately. This was a good thing.

Exhibit B: An older woman was walking toward a Ross store. She was carrying a bag with her. It looked as if she were going to return some things. She was carrying the bag upside down though so the receipt fall onto the ground. She didn't even notice. My sister and I were driving by. I pointed it out to my sister who was driving. I felt bad about it. I asked her to stop and I jumped out of the car. I grabbed the receipt from the ground, the dirty filthy public ground and handed it over the woman who was about to go inside the store. She thanked me because she was indeed going to return some things. I just said your welcome and ran back to my sister's car.

These seem like little things to the average person but to me they showed me something. They showed me that I can be considerate. That I can be the person that I want to be, that people think I am. I can be nice. I can right something that I think is a wrong. It's interesting.

And the douche bag award goes to.......

2009-08-12T11:11:00.005-04:00

Monday night my sister and I were at Bestbuy. We were about to pull out of our parking spot when these two guys walked through the parking lot. The shorter of the two opened a CD removed the papers and disc and threw the cases in the air. Then he kept walking. The case nearly hit the nearby cars as it fell to the ground breaking. My sister and I were very tempted to pull a "10 things I hate about you" on the guy. I am referring to the TV show made from the movie. Anyway, we drove around to the cases. I picked them up and got back into the car. My sister was hoping to see where the guys went so we could throw the case at them and let them know they dropped it.

We were both upset by this guy. Why couldn't he just throw the case away in the trash can by the door if he didn't want it. Or here's a thought....recycle it. It does have a recycling symbol on it! So guy who bought the Nappy Roots CD here is your douche bag award. I hope you're proud.

You wash your hands like a doctor

2009-08-04T23:12:00.002-04:00

I have heard this many times before. I can tell you the exact moment I remember starting to freak out about washing my hands. I remember the beginnings of my OCD. Which to me is funny because I thought it was something you were born with and the start of it is unknown. I remember.

I used to be a normal girl, as normal as I have ever been anyway. I'm sure I washed my hands before I ate and what not. But I wasn't as concerned about things like that as I am now. If you don't have some type of OCD or other quirk you may not understand the full intensity and pain that can come along with it.

I have spent many conversations trying to defend my actions, my tendencies. The truth is I will never stop being judged. People will not overlook the things I do. Maybe they can't just like I can't help but do them. I understand they make no sense to you, they do to me. I understand that they are sometimes pointless but they make me feel better.

You should never point out your flaws because once you do that will be the only thing people see. They will think about it every time they see you. It will be the first thing to come to mind when your name is mentioned in conversation.

Do comments like "you wash your hands like a doctor" bother me? It depends on the day I am having. Generally, no. Sometimes, yes. Sometimes the idea of what people think of me is heavy. Sometimes it worries me, sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it makes me sad. But sometimes it doesn't.

a reflection brought to you by me thanks in part to postsecret.blogspot.com

2009-06-28T13:17:00.001-04:00

It's funny how simple words can inspire you. I felt empty of words these past couple of days. I felt I had written everything I could write. That I would never finish my story or write any others. Then I saw this postcard on the postsecret blog and I felt emotions run through me. They are things I felt as a teenager. Things I thought to be true. The only things I thought I had control over. I was wrong. I was senseless. I was potentially hurting myself in an attempt to feel one small ounce of control. That was my problem. One of them. Maybe I still have trouble with that one sometimes. But seeing that postcard and all the others for that matter, makes me want to write. They make me want to fill myself with these emotions and see where the words form. What they say. What they need to say. What they feel. Everyone has a story to tell, right?

gasp, really I think so?

2009-06-16T13:57:00.003-04:00

Sometimes you write something. You look back at it. You think 'wow, it was good. That was serious good. I can't believe that was good.' I just had that moment a minute ago with the sillest thing. But it felt good.

The song in my heart and the rhythm in my head

2009-06-15T16:06:00.001-04:00

I believe in love. Love is possible. But love is not the cliche images that we are bombarded with. Love is a connection between people. Love is a genuine concern for another person. Love is desire to help them, make them happy, and support them. Love exists in many different ways. It's not magical. It's not pretty. Sometimes we love people we shouldn't. Sometimes we love people more than we should. Sometimes we don't love them enough. Sometimes our love for people allows us to overlook their indiscretions. Sometimes our love for someone has us making excuses for them, lying to protect them, and standing by as they continuously make the wrong choices. Love heals and breaks. Love is good and not so good.

I started this blog a little while ago and I actually have a great book that I re-read part of yesterday that fits perfectly with this blog. It's called 'Shout Down the Moon' by Lisa Tucker. It is the story of a young woman who has a child with a horrible man. She still loves him, cares for him, dreams of him although he is no good and he is not around. She is stuck in the idea of him. She journeys on alone trying to make her dream of singing come true, trying to be a good mother to her baby boy, and trying to survive. Suddenly,he ex shows back up wanting to reconnect. She knows she shouldn't but part of her is still connected to him. She is a travelling singer with a jazz band and so she drifts through many places leaving him behind or so she thinks. There are a series of wild, heart breaking, stomach churning, and anger creating moments in this book. All the while you know what the young woman should do. You know whats good for her. You know who she truly loves and who truly loves her (no magic, no special effects, just true solid caring for each other in the true meaning of love). Even when she doesn't. And that is life. The onlooker sees you for who you are and what you feel even when you do not.

A neverending cycle of the same damn feelings makes me feel like a broken record that no one wants to hear

2009-06-14T09:52:00.005-04:00

Relaizing you will never have a mother again is quite a hefty thought. Of course my mother will always be my mother but she is no longer here to be my mother. maybe that doesn't make sense. It does to me. This fact is a hard one to survive. Many people take their parents for granted. They are used to them always being there. But what happens when they are not?

For me I am still reeling in the emotion of not being a daughter any more. I no longer have a mother to hold me close and tell me everything will be alright. I don't have a mother I can turn to for help with the big decisions and emotions that come a long with not fully knowing yourself. I no longer have a mother to pour my heart out to instead I'm doing that here for the public to see, if they take the time to read this. Which I hope they do because if I can relate to a book someone can relate to me and I hope my story can help someone feel a little closer to okay. As I deal with and express my story I feel a little closer to okay too.

Classic

2009-06-13T23:53:00.006-04:00

It's funny. Right after I read a good book I feel a mini revolution going on inside me. I read a lot of young adult books and I can see the thoughts inside someones head when I tell them this. Okay, I can't actually see the thoughts but I have a very good idea of what those thoughts are. You're right I am very much an adult. Maybe I should read Jane Austen or hell, even Little Women but I have never been a classic kind of girl. I feel judged by the books I read and well maybe that's fair because I sometimes judge people by what they read. I know what my reading lists says about me. But those points can be argued.

I just read most of a book about a girl who is essentially orphaned and must live with her brother; because of this their relationship changes. It is about a girl trying to be brave enough to handle her emotions and feelings. She's in a scary world and she's trying to survive it. Unfortunately the way she tries to survive is not a healthy outlet. There's a lot of honesty in the book and so maybe I am feeling that. Honesty.

I know my bookshelf that I am looking at right now is filled with books that the average person would be quick to overlook. It is filled with young adult books, books I want to read but haven't, books I want to read but probably won't, books that were my mothers, books that helped me through my teenage years. I am an awkward person and I was an even more awkward teen. I think that's the way a lot of people still see me. I have this weird thing where the people closest to me don't really know me. It's bizarre and quite sad. Sometimes I just feel myself close up, block secrets from coming out. Then there are times when I can't shut up. I don't always want to tell every thing that I am feeling but I do anyway because I feel compelled to do so. I'm undecided on how I feel about that.

If someone is inspecting my books to explain who I am here's what they would get:
Lois Duncan: supernatural themes with strong characters and bonds and love.

Richie Tankersley Cusick: creative stories. strong characters. love. friendship. personal understanding.

Joan Lowery Nixon: a lot of old work. crimes that are solved too easily. families pulling apart and pushing back together. love but not too much. personal knowledge and confidence. girls that make me feel okay to be me because they are like me in small little ways.

These three authors are three of my favorites. Lois Duncan is a woman I admire. Her strength is shown in her stories. Her characters make you feel like they could be your best friend. You fall in love with them and appreciate them as the type of people you wish you knew more of. Richie Tankersley Cusick is a woman who writes intricately. Her stories are often associated with supernatural elements even when they turn out to be merely false themes. Her stories are good, page turners, stay up late to finish this great book books. Filled with characters you wish were real. Joan Lowery Nixon a woman I admire and respect. A woman whose stories have won many awards. Her writings are quite dated as they were written ages before cell phones and computers took over the world. Kids these days probably won't understand her and that makes me sad. I do remember one girl I have encountered years ago who was maybe early teens. I expressed Joan Lowery Nixon as one of my favorite authors and the young girls mother said "it's hers too." Nixon's work has this sincere truth. You can see the time she grew up in affected her writing. Her stories aren't about piling on love and lust. They are mainly about girls who are beautiful whether they know it or feel it. Girls who solve crimes and mysteries for themselves. Girls who have morals and backbones. Her stories almost make me feel like I was born in the wrong time period. They leave you wishing you were one of those beautiful, strong girls.

I admire these writers, these women. They had stories to tell and they did just that. There's a part of us in our writing. The tough part is trying to keep it as concealed and hidden as possible. It's harder than you would think.

Back to the book I mentioned earlier. The one that got me writing this speech. I could feel the girls emotions because I have had them. I still do. Maybe being able to relate to these books makes me immature. Maybe loving to read young adult novels shows the world I am not very smart. I can tell people think that when I tell them as well. Maybe it gives me away entirely. But you know what? You can't please everyone.

I am not a classics kind of girl although I wish I were. I wish I read and memorized lines from the classics. I wish I could discuss them at length with people. But no matter how hard I try I am just not built to be a classics kind of girl.

A blast from the past: OCTOBER 3, 2008

2009-06-09T11:49:00.001-04:00

A thought. A reflection. A wonder.

It is crazy to me that we can actually feel emotion. How can we feel emotion? The cool air rotating around me seeps into my bones and sits there antagonizing me. Sending my mind into memories of the past and pains that I have never forgotten. It taunts me. My heart actually hurts inside my chest. I actually feel an odd displacement in the center of my chest. A shudder, maybe. A lingering feeling of sadness sitting inside of me. Making me feel hollow and unreal. Empty. How can that be? How can we feel in this way? How can we have have physical pain for our emotional wounds? Do we have emotional wounds from our physical pain? I think so. How odd.

The song in my heart and the rhythm in my heart

2009-06-08T22:01:00.004-04:00

Don't mind me I'm only blogging

2009-06-07T21:21:00.003-04:00

I am supposed to be doing my homework right now but I have reached a point where I can not answer the questions. I could read the chapters. But honestly I don't feel like doing that. I figure I could write a short blog and see where it takes me. Maybe I will decide to read for a little while. Don't count on that. There will probably be a blog in August explaining how I failed my first class ever.

Anyway....I was going to make this a superficial blog but I am not so sure that's where I want it to go now.

I have been writing quite a bit lately about my anger. And my lack of understanding as to where that anger is coming from. I think I have an idea where a significant amount of it is coming from.

I have this whole thing about fairness. I need things to be fair but in the world there is no such thing as fair. There are people who will take your idea and run with it like it was the best thing they ever thought of. There are people who are extremely moral people and are never acknowledge for it. And then there are people who go around stealing what they want instead of working for it.

I am a girl of many opinions. I tend to voice them a little dramatically when you get the argument going. I am passionate about certain things and I am angry about assumptions which is silly because I assume things all the time. And those assumptions have led me to make an ass out of myself on numerous instances.

I don't know where I am going with this.

bubbling over with anger

2009-06-04T14:34:00.004-04:00

anger
sharp
shaking
strong
like
you
wouldn't
believe
tortured
is
what
i
am
hurt
pissed
sad
wanting
yearning
needing
just
to
scream
at
you
to
you
i
don't
care
exposed
feeling
grimy
dirty
flashy
it's
not
right
shouldn't
feel
wrong
for
being
okay
normal
feeling
hate
and
hating
hate
but
still
feel
it
unable
to
control
emotions
will
show
not
good
for
me
or
you
could
cry
but
would
that
be
a
lie
not
sure
i
should
care
same
difference
to
me

True Love is only in movies

2009-06-04T00:20:00.001-04:00

So I don't believe in true love. True love means that there is one person out there in the world who is perfect for you. One true person who will love you and you will love them. One person that you are meant to be with. Here's the thing though, if true love means you are meant to be together what about those people who break up because they don't want the same things. For example, say that I have true love with someone but he wants children and I don't. We can't stay together because he wants different things out of life. He wants a family. I don't. Some would say...then that is not true love. But my friend how can you say that? We could have everything else in common. We could care about each other, truly know and trust one another but not want the same things. True love just can't exist. It's like a rainbow. The image of it is pretty and magical but the logic of it is fuzzy and complicated. It is not what we think it is.

Princess Buttercup and Wesley might have true love but they aren't real. They just make it look romantic and possible. Giving false hope to the masses.

I'm okay, are you okay?

2009-06-02T10:54:00.003-04:00

It is easy to lose sight of who we are as people. It is much harder to stay the person you are. I feel this endless struggle more often lately. I wonder if who I try to be is who I am suppose to be. It becomes a confusing semi-battle with myself.

I understand that change is normal and inevitable. But I still have to wonder if it is the right thing. Am I changing because I am maturing? Am I changing because it is what I want? Am I changing because it will make me fit in better in the world around me?

I am thinking about these ideas today. The honest truth is I am different from the societal norm in so many ways. That does not make me better or worse than anyone else. I do not strive to be different, it is just who I am. It's in my blood, my soul, my heart. Or maybe it's a figment of my imagination. Maybe it is because I am terrified of being different than I am now. Honestly, either way, I think I'm okay with it.

Sometimes it seems people mistake my personal choices with something that it is not. I am not passing judgement on anyone else. I am merely doing what feels right to me, for me. Make sense?

Believe me, I realize that I judge people much more than I should. I understand this. I have the mind frame of guilty until proven innocence when it comes to people. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I let wonder get the best of me. Sometimes I let the idea of change affect me. And when I do this, I become sad.

Sadness is a relative feeling. It's an emotional we all have at some point. There are different levels of sad and different types of sad. I'm trying to stop feeling them so much. It's difficult because me and sad have been friends for a long while. But I realize it's time for me to make new friends.

Trapped in Twilight

2009-05-30T23:26:00.004-04:00

Kristen Stewart is most widely known as Bella Swan from the Twilight insanity. I will not lie, I did like the movie. A large part of that reason was Robert Pattinson and Billy Burke. I felt very conflicted about Kristen after Twilight. I felt she did an okay job as Bella but she wasn't too believable. I am conflicted overall with the Twilight series. So I feel it is unfair to judge Kristen Stewart without reviewing her other work. I have seen her in Land Of Women which I thought she was really good in. Zathura which again was good but she wasn't in it too much at least not that I remember.

I was told about Cake Eaters and so I watched it. I was amazed by how well Kristen did. She portrayed her character is such as honest, pained way. At the end of the movie you realize how great she is. During the film you even start to wonder if she has the actual condition that her character does. There was something real, something impressive in her performance.

Today I watched a movie called Speak. It is based on the young adult novel of the same name by Laurie Halse Anderson. Speak is about a young girl just finishing middle school. She attends a party with her friends and a horrible thing occurs. Melinda, Stewart's character, is raped. Speak follows Melinda's life over the course of the following months. We see her everyday life as she begins high school, makes friends, loses friends, and seems to find her place. Stewart was only 13 when she filmed the role. She is incredible. She brings a cold, lost, pained reality to Melinda that honestly doesn't seem possible from a 13 year old. Again, you see the natural ability mixed with a raw quality. You believed Stewart as this tortured young girl and you couldn't help but care about her.

I don't even need to explain Adventureland. She was great in that as well. After seeing her in these roles I feel somewhat bad for her. For the mass amount of Twilight fans and even haters she we be known as Bella Swan for quite some time. I personally love to see strong female leads and I just don't get that from Bella Swan. Thankfully I get that from Melinda, Lucy, Em, and Georgia. I hope people look past the Bella Swan phenomenon and look to see what else this young girl can do. I know I am interested in checking out her other work.

I wonder why

2009-05-24T23:48:00.003-04:00

It seems to me that the very thing you are searching for the most is the very thing you are afraid of and push away every time it gets close. The line between vulnerable and weak is a very thin one but sometimes the reason is good enough to forget the difference. I don't understand how you seemed so open and positive and full of things most people aren't. And now you seem to have lost that spark. I am sad for you. Maybe I knew a different person. Maybe you forgot who you used to be. Maybe I should remind you because you are not weak. You are strong. You are independent. And the last time I checked you were full of love to give and receive.

I want you to be happy. I want you to be confident. I want you to be you.

Kate Voegele

2009-05-23T11:44:00.004-04:00

I went to the Kate Voegele concert last night. I will admit it here and now but never again, I do watch One Tree Hill. In my defense I started watching the show when it first started and I was still a teenager that right there excuses every silly thing I've done. I was a teenager. And you can't just stop watching in the middle of a series. I would elaborate my defense but it is not necessary.

There I was in the little tiny club with great looking wall paper and a beautiful ceiling. I know this is a weird thing to notice when you are waiting for a concert to start. No, I guess maybe it's not. Especially when you are in a pissy mood and the women standing next to you keeping bumping into you and people are sliding across you with their bodies in a way that makes you highly uncomfortable for a moment. Aw, the concert going experience.

More about the show.....not me.

The opening band was a duo named Brandon and Jill Powers. They were good. His voice was somewhat of a surprise but very pleasant. And her voice was soft but beautiful. Brandon definitely commanded the stage but not intentionally which is nice. He has a very Matt Nathanson vibe about him as he jokes with the crowd and sings beautifully written and performed songs. What I didn't like was the response he received from the women beside me. Yes, he's cute, no debate there. But come on, we're there for the music not to stare at him while trying formulate a master plan of how to seduce him. Stare at him, yes, sure it's a show. Think he's cute, okay sure that's human nature. But why is it not about the music? Is it hard to get past a cute guy singing, maybe. But it shouldn't be. I was feeling the music. Letting the keyboard and guitar flow over me. Listening to the words. The words are important. It's poetry to instruments. It's the soul. These women were talking the entire time about how attractive he was and how one of the women wanted to "meet" him. All the while I am thinking, did you not listen to the introduction. They have the same last name. Siblings, possibly. But not definitely. Why embarrass yourself so much? You are here for a music show. Why must you degrade the music so much by being so overly focused on his appearance. It's degrading. It's irritating. Why can't women just hear the music. Like the music. Fall in love with the music. And not make it more than it is meant to be. I suppose this all is just human nature.

The next act was a woman named Angel ______, I'll fill that in later. Her voice was incredible. Her songs were soulful as were Brandon and Jill Powers'. By this I mean, you could feel the emotions in the songs. You could hear it in their voices. Her set was a bit shorter it seemed but I was thankful as I was not much in the concert going mood by this time. I did enjoy her music though. And she was funny. She felt the need to tell us that it was her first time visiting Florida and she had already had two oranges. Which made me sad because that's what Florida is most known for....oranges? Okay, better than just Disney at least.

Kate Voegele took the stage at close to 10am. She entered the stage to a loud audience. She was dressed in a really cute plaid dress which I kinda wished I owned. Her band was interesting to watch. One member set up candles and motioned the aroma into his face. They all wore hats which was odd but cute. The drummer was the most naturally energetic. He seemed really into his music. The bassist was really trying. He was moving around the little stage, shaking his head, swaying his body. Kate's songs are sweet and catchy. For some, I think her being on a TV show (not particularly helpful that its One Tree Hill) will stop them from giving her a chance. Her music is good. For others, the show is the main reason they want to be there. Good for her that she has a fan base but will they stay after the show ends? By this time I am completely ready to go home. Nothing personal, just completely body aching from working for eight hours before standing in the same place for another three hours. Was it worth it? Sure, I heard some new music. Good music. And I learned a little more about myself. 1.) I'm more critical than I initially thought but, good side, it extends to a greater distance than I thought. 2.) I want to incorporate plaid in my wardrobe. Those who know me well know that I LOVE plaid. I now feel the need to embrace my plaid loving, random thinking, and interesting side. Maybe this idea was influenced more by the book I read last night than the music I heard. But it was something I learned nonetheless.

Postsecret Real World graduation

2009-05-17T13:29:00.002-04:00

The following statement is on the postsecret blog comments under the graduation story.

"Emily Elizabeth said...
Going out into the "real world" is a scary concept until it hits you (and it will!) that you are already living in the real world and always have been."

When I read this I completely agreed. There are people out in the world who do not realize they are already part of the world. I don't like how at graduations people always say you will be going forward into the "real world". I don't know about you but I have been living in the real world the whole time.

The moment you realize that the world isn't going to give you everything that you want, the moment you realize that things sometimes hurt so badly that you don't know if you can stand the pain, the moment you realize you love your mother and hope to be just like her even though it is not the "cool" thing to say or feel---you are living in the real world.

When you decide to be exactly who you are and love who and what you want to you are in the real world. There are times when what you feel, want, believe, think are considered naive or immature. The times when you can acknowledge the idea and find the correlation but still feel, want, believe, and think those things with hope that they will be true---you are living in the real world.

The "real world" isn't always pretty. It isn't always safe. It isn't always what you want or hope for it to be. Take your time getting to the "real world" if you can. And when you get there try to hold on to the ideals and passion of "your world" and find a way to survive the "real world".

Letter to my father

2009-05-04T16:33:00.000-04:00

Dear man that married my Mother,

I can not begin to tell you how much pain you inflicted on my family. You know the worst things you did that caused pain and anger. But here are the things you don't even now you've done. maybe you do.

I never met you. I don't know what you look like. I've seen pictures, yes of course, but there's a difference between seeing someone on paper and seeing them in front of your eyes. That, I'm sure, has had some unknown effect on me. Not knowing who my father is. I know your name but nothing else. I know you are not a good man. But I don't know what I have or am because of you. Do I have characteristics like you? Do I have family that is made up of good people even though they are related to you? Do I have family that wonders who I am or what I'm like. Probably not.

You walking away is the best thing you could have done for my family. But, you being a man and owning up to your responsiblities and being a good person who doesn't hurt their family is something that you should have done. You should have been there for my mom. You should have been a father for your kids. You should have grown up. But you didn't do those things. I wonder if you have regrets about that. Probably not.

I don't feel a need to have a father but I feel the effects of not having one. There were so many times when I needed one, when my family needed one. I have great brothers and a great sister. I have a great family. We've all been through a lot. I wonder if things could have been better if we had a good father around.

I put myself through school. I paid my way through Valencia and now I am paying for UCF. I am running out of money. I don't have enough to comfortably pay my tution. I can't receive financial aid. Do you know why? Because of you. I am going to blame this on you because I have the right too. I have no father information to fill in the FAFSA. I don't have proof that you weren't in my life. I don't have documentation to be considered independent. I am angry for this. I have to find ways to PROVE my father was not in my life. That he didn't take care of me, that he didn't pay for school, that he didn't pay my bills, that he didn't care. I have to prove that you didn't exist. But how do you prove something didn't exist when it didn't exist? There's no form to fill out in high school to declare yourself fatherless. There's no option on the college application for deadbeat dad. I have fought so much about this it's not fair for me to have to fight even more.

Why do I need to have a father fill in tax information when he wouldn't be the one to pay for my school. What part of independent don't schools understand. It means I work to take care of myself. It means that I pay for school and books. It means there is no parent to help financially.

I didn't know it was possible to be so angry at someone you've never met. To have so much pain and hate for someone you can't place it on.

I hope you know the effects of your abuse and neglect and I hope it keeps you up at night.

I am my MOTHER'S daughter and so I will continue to fight. I will continue to try to pay for school. I am strong and sometimes brave. I am good and caring. I am proud and confident. And I want you to know that none of that came from you. I am who am I because of the things I learned from my mother.

Sincerely,
Amanda (do you even remember me?)

Billy Collins

2009-04-25T00:12:00.002-04:00

Madmen

They say you can jinx a poem
if you talk about it before it is done.
If you let it out too early, they warn,
your poem will fly away,
and this time they are absolutely right.

Take the night I mentioned to you
I wanted to write about the madmen,
as the newspapers so blithely call them,
who attack art, not in reviews,
but with breadknives and hammers
in the quiet museums of Prague and Amsterdam.

Actually, they are the real artists,
you said, spinning the ice in your glass.
The screwdriver is their brush.
The real vandals are the restorers,
you went on, slowly turning me upside-down,
the ones in the white doctor's smocks
who close the wound in the landscape,
and thus ruin the true art of the mad.

I watched my poem fly down to the front
of the bar and hover there
until the next customer walked in--
then I watched it fly out the open door into the night
and sail away, I could only imagine,
over the dark tenements of the city.

All I had wished to say
was that art was also short,
as a razor can teach with a slash or two,
that it only seems long compared to life,
but that night, I drove home alone
with nothing swinging in the cage of my heart
except the faint hope that I might
catch a glimpse of the thing
in the fan of my headlights,
maybe perched on a road sign or a street lamp,
poor unwritten bird, its wings folded,
staring down at me with tiny illuminated eyes.

Billy Collins

Billy Collins

2009-04-25T00:12:00.001-04:00

Invention

Tonight the moon is a cracker,
with a bite out of it
floating in the night,

and in a week or so
according to the calendar
it will probably look

like a silver football,
and nine, maybe ten days ago
it reminded me of a thin bright claw.

But eventually --
by the end of the month,
I reckon --

it will waste away
to nothing,
nothing but stars in the sky,

and I will have a few nights
to myself,
a little time to rest my jittery pen.

Billy Collins

FBGML? What?

2009-04-21T23:42:00.002-04:00

I just saw Fabio on TV and because I have nothing better to talk about I will discuss him. What is appealing about Fabio? I don't get it. I don't get the obsession with Brad Pitt either. George Clooney? Nope. Matt Damon? Sorry, no. Leo? Not since I was like 12.

I think it is funny how masses of women are in love with these guys. Is it the result of group think? Is it peer pressure? Is it just a societal norm? Or am I the only one who doesn't get it?

L.J. Smith are you pissed about this?

2009-04-20T22:21:00.007-04:00

TWILIGHT FANS DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR:

A male vampire who is a high school student
He's from Italy
He can read thoughts
He hunts animals for food
He reads minds
He doesn't want to a life of darkness so he moved to a small town in Virgina
Guy meets girl has feelings for her
She smells like flowers
He feels hunger for her blood
He tries to ignore her which upsets her and he feels it but it is better for her that way.
Something is different about his eyes so he wears dark sunglasses to hide them.

This sounds an awful lot like Stephenie Myers Twilight premise. Interestingly enough what I described above is the premise of a book series written by L.J. Smith in 1994!
I understand that there are no "new ideas" in writing and many authors will write about the same things but will write them in a different way. But really, seriously, this sounds like a rip off. As my sister reads the book and points out more similarities I will post updates. It's just another reason to be aggravated about Twilight. I just hope L.J. Smith's leading lady is stronger and more independent.

This makes me really angry.

Nina Melito

2009-04-20T11:22:00.001-04:00

For You
© By Nina Melito

In the room across the hall
Sitting on his bland oak chair
Sat Ned, the most popular of all
Among the other students there
Writing quietly with an intent stare.

He wrote to the one whom he cherished
With confidence in his pen
But suddenly that confidence perished
He had heard a noise just then
Like a lion pacing in his den.

He placed his feet flat on the floor
And gripped the wrinkled paper fast
And heard the squeak of the door
As the Teacher sternly asked
That up front the paper be passed.

The situation went from good to scary
His face turned a striking red
Like a freshly picked strawberry
The students whispered, 'Go on, Ned'
The teacher insisted that the note be read.

As Teacher scanned the crinkled sheet
Her face was strained and aglow
And read from Ned's horrible feat
'Dear Clarice, I must know,
Will you date me, yes or no?'

In the room across the hall
Sitting on his bland oak chair
Sat Ned, the most popular of all
Among the laughing students there
Making excuses with an embarrassed stare.

Sherri Deskins

2009-04-19T13:19:00.001-04:00

The Web

Creatively
You worked your art
You spun a web
Around my heart
How beautifully
Your deeds have spread
Each intricately
Woven thread
With strands of care
You dried my tears
Your gentleness
Dispelled my fears
Your wisdom
Helped me understand
And patiently
You held my hand
To give me courage
To brave the storm
With kindness
You have kept me warm
Your passion
Lit a glowing fire
That filled my soul
With sweet desire
You're all
That I was dreaming of
For the web you spun
Was made of love

- Written and owned by Sherri Deskins -

Sharon Olds

2009-04-17T14:10:00.001-04:00

April 17: To See My Mother by Sharon Olds
A poem of ending from Sharon Olds.

To See My Mother

It was like witnessing the earth being formed,
to see my mother die, like seeing
the dry lands be separated
from the oceans, and all the mists bear up
on one side, and all the solids
be borne down, on the other, until
the body was all there, all bronze and
petrified redwood opal, and the soul all
gone. If she hadn’t looked so exalted, so
beast-exalted and refreshed and suddenly
hopeful, more than hopeful—beyond
hope, relieved—if she had not been suffering so
much, since I had met her, I do not
know how I would have stood it, without
fighting someone, though no one was there
to fight, death was not there except
as her, my task was to hold her tiny
crown in one cupped hand, and her near
birdbone shoulder. Lakes, clouds,
nests. Winds, stems, tongues.
Embryo, zygote, blastocele, atom,
my mother’s dying was like an end
of life on earth, some end of water
and moisture salt and sweet, and vapor,
till only that still, ocher moon
shone, in the room, mouth open, no song.

Listen to Sharon Olds reading “To See My Mother.”

Sweet

2009-04-17T10:40:00.003-04:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090416/ap_on_re_us/mystery_gifts
Mystery donors give over $45M to 9 universities

DES MOINES, Iowa – A mystery is unfolding in the world of college fundraising: During the past few weeks, at least nine universities have received gifts totaling more than $45 million, and the schools had to promise not to try to find out the giver's identity.

One school went so far as to check with the IRS and the Department of Homeland Security just to make sure a $1.5 million gift didn't come from illegal sources.

"In my last 28 years in fundraising ... this is the first time I've dealt with a gift that the institution didn't know who the donor is," said Phillip D. Adams, vice president for university advancement at Norfolk State University, which received $3.5 million.

The gifts ranged from $8 million at Purdue to $1.5 million donated to the University of North Carolina at Asheville. The University of Iowa received $7 million; the University of Southern Mississippi, the University of North Carolina at Greensboro and the University of Maryland University College got $6 million each; the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs was given $5.5 million; and Penn State-Harrisburg received $3 million.

It's not clear whether the gifts came from an individual, an organization or a group of people with similar interests. In every case, the donor or donors dealt with the universities through lawyers or other middlemen. Some of the money came in cashier's checks, while other schools received checks from a law firm or another representative.

All the schools had to agree not to investigate the identity of the giver. Some were required to make such a promise in writing.

"Our chancellor was called to a Denver law office and had to sign a confidentiality agreement that she would not try to find out," said Tom Hutton, spokesman at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs. "Once the chancellor signed it, she was emphatic that we don't try to find out."

Each was delivered since March 1 and came with the same stipulation: Most of the money must be used for student scholarships, and the remainder can be spent on various costs such as research, equipment, strategic goals and operating support.

"We have no idea who this generous individual is, but we're extremely grateful," said Lynette Marshall, president and chief executive of the University of Iowa foundation. "This is the first time in my 25-year career that something of this magnitude has happened."

Usually when schools receive anonymous donations, the school knows the identity of the benefactor but agrees to keep it secret. Not knowing who is giving the money can raise thorny problems.

William Massey, vice chancellor for alumni and development at UNC-Asheville, said the school contacted the Department of Homeland Security and the IRS to make sure the money was legal before accepting it.

"There may be an ethical problem if you knowingly accept funds from ill-gotten gains," said Colorado Springs' Hutton. University officials "do due diligence and ask the appropriate questions and receive satisfactory answers."

The $6 million donated to the University of Southern Mississippi was the largest single gift ever bestowed to the school.

"It was a remarkable gift particularly during these economic times," said David Wolf, vice president of advancement.

"I think somebody is out there, or potentially a group of people, that has a great respect for the value of a college education and the power that it brings," Wolf said. "Gosh, if it's the same person or the same collective group of people, it's an amazing story."

Maybe I should try to write in my journal again...

2009-04-16T22:16:00.002-04:00

I was thinking about this blog. I feel like a completely different and nearly completely the same person from when I started this blog, how long ago now? I feel completely different because there are many things about myself that I have been working on in the months of writing this blog. Many incoherent thoughts and feelings have been written here that make perfect sense to me because they were a way to express myself without actually having to tell people how I truly feel.

I realize I have been going about this in the wrong way. I have been searching for the wrong things. I feel the need to pour my soul across these pages. The desire to say everything I'm thinking. A self discovery if you will.

I want to write about my OCD. I don't talk about it much. When I do I don't think anyone thinks I mean it. Not many people know about it.

I feel like a hypocrite. Like a fake. And that is shameful.

I had this whole blog plotted out in my mind....But I'll keep it for my journal that I haven't written in for months.

I am feeling sad today

2009-04-14T13:28:00.004-04:00

Sadness
that
i
can't
seem
to let
go of.

my heart
hurts.

my mind
races
to places
I'd rather it
didn't go.

sad
deep
down

sigh

think of
kittens
babies
magic elephants
yes elephants

anything
that
makes
a smile

words
hugs
laughs

sadness is
sitting in
go away
I don't want
you anymore.

poem by:
=Amanda=

Billy Collins

2009-04-10T10:16:00.001-04:00

I Ask You

What scene would I want to be enveloped in
more than this one,
an ordinary night at the kitchen table,
floral wallpaper pressing in,
white cabinets full of glass,
the telephone silent,
a pen tilted back in my hand?

It gives me time to think
about all that is going on outside--
leaves gathering in corners,
lichen greening the high grey rocks,
while over the dunes the world sails on,
huge, ocean-going, history bubbling in its wake.

But beyond this table
there is nothing that I need,
not even a job that would allow me to row to work,
or a coffee-colored Aston Martin DB4
with cracked green leather seats.

No, it's all here,
the clear ovals of a glass of water,
a small crate of oranges, a book on Stalin,
not to mention the odd snarling fish
in a frame on the wall,
and the way these three candles--
each a different height--
are singing in perfect harmony.

So forgive me
if I lower my head now and listen
to the short bass candle as he takes a solo
while my heart
thrums under my shirt--
frog at the edge of a pond--
and my thoughts fly off to a province
made of one enormous sky
and about a million empty branches.

Billy Collins

Elizabeth Bishop

2009-04-10T10:12:00.001-04:00

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop

Article

2009-04-07T07:52:00.002-04:00

http://news.aol.com/article/schindlers-list-found/415632

National Poetry Month

2009-04-05T09:57:00.000-04:00

L.E.L. (Letitia Elizabeth Landon) . {3}
(1802 - 1838) English Poet

The Poor

FEW, save the poor, feel for the poor:
The rich know not how hard
It is to be of needful food
And needful rest debarred.

Their paths are paths of plenteousness,
They sleep on silk and down;
And never think how heavily
The weary head lies down.

They know not of the scanty meal,
With small pale faces round;
No fire upon the cold, damp hearth
When snow is on the ground.

They never by the window lean,
And see the gay pass by;
Then take their weary task again,
But with a sadder eye.

L.E.L.

a fear in me, a fear in you, a fear i don't know if i can face

2009-04-03T22:25:00.003-04:00

A hidden face
A mysterious place
I'm not sure I like this

A fear that bubbles to the top
An uncertainty I have entertained before
Will it change?
Will it grow?

Oh no.....
I can not take it back
I have to keep my word
oh no.....
I don't want to be rude
But really I don't know.

national poetry month

2009-04-03T11:03:00.003-04:00

It's poetry month. In celebration (because I am seriously excited!) I will be trying very hard to post a new poem on my blog each day, maybe even more than one a day depending on how many I find that I love. And maybe I will even include some of my own. You'll notice the difference, mine will be the ones that suck.
http://www.poetryfoundation.org/archive/poetrytool.html This site is awesome.

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -by Emily Dickinson

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -

And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -

I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.

This didn't really help the feeling

2009-04-02T14:32:00.002-04:00

BREATHE
sigh
sing
BREATHE
sigh
shout
BREATHE
deep
let
it
out
BREATHE
in
and
out
BREATHE
sigh
it's
alright
BREATHE
sigh
let
it
go
BREATHE
sigh
don't
cry

It's all about the timing......

2009-03-26T15:24:00.002-04:00

It's all about the timing. Things don't line up as you wish they would. Maybe it's the world trying to stop my desperation. I understand that and actually commend it. Thank you world, for telling me to stop it. It makes sense. Completely it does. But I can't help but wonder. What if the timing lined up perfectly? Would a change occur? Would something new start? Or is it better that the timing just refuses to line up right. I realize now it is partly my fault. I misjudged. I got it wrong. But only slightly. Wouldn't it still line up? I guess it's not meant to be. Oh well, what can you do. Now, if I could just stop thinking about it.

Coincidences may just be Coincidences.....

2009-03-25T13:22:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I started writing just to write. I was going to elborate on a story I had started but it didn't feel right. So I start on this new work. I wrote whatever came to mind. As I was writing it gradually started to take on more of my memories of my mom's illness. The things I felt, the things I thought she felt, the time, the sadness. This caused me to remember the pain of everyone involved. It hurt. It made me sad. It made me angry.
Anyway, I was thinking about her again today. Rehashing some feelings, comtemplating how things could/would have been different. I was just thiking of my mother.
I went into this store that has a collection of random things. It's where I got my camera and typewriter from. I was drving past and thinking about going in. I have homework to do and so I debated with myself. Should I go see if I find anything I want in the store? Or should I be responsible and go home and do my homework?
I made a U-turn at the light and went to the store. I went first to the camera section because I want a Brownie camera. I looked around at the small wooden boxes because I love them for some odd reason. Then I made me way to the mountains of records. I stopped by this area with mirrors and chairs first. There on the table I saw the same mirror that my mother had bought my sister and me for Christmas a long, long time ago. I stopped and looked at it. It isn't an expensive or old mirror. It shouldn't really be in a store about "collectibles". I obviously thought of my mom. I drove home and pulled into the driveway. And a single bird flew from my house as I parked. I'm sure only the people close to my family know what that means to us. I didn't even really see it happend at the time I am referring to but it still means something. I go unlcok my front door and there's a flier for a church or something religious. I am not a religious person so I will leave that as a coincidence to inspire me to keep believing in what I believe. I believe sometimes coincidences are a way to remind us that feeling is okay but dwelling is not. It take it as a reminder of the love from my mother and other things I won't go into.
I should actually do my homework now.

Different

2009-03-21T11:15:00.002-04:00

I just can't understand people. How can you be exactly what you hate? How can you openly say things but still pursue? I don't understand you. Really. It kind of makes me angry. I don't understand if you have always been this way or if this a new thing from that happend of the years. You used to care. You used to be strong. Now you seem to fall for anything and attempt to make people fall for anything. I don't understand.

It's 11:32pm, do you know where your Twilight fan is?

2009-03-20T23:31:00.003-04:00

Twilight is being released at midnight to the masses of teenagers that will be lurking in dark lines and creepy corners anticipating the shiny new movie that portrays their manifesto. Or maybe not. It is my thought that there will be huge quantities of teenage girls waiting in line or attending the "Twilight Release parties" I read the book. I saw the movie. I liked the movie. I slightly liked the book. I have many, many issues with the book but I didn't intend for this to be a blog about my feelings on the topic of Twilight. It is merely the acknowledgement of an event. I am actually tempted to go to some stores and check out the festivities but I'm already in pajamas and seriously sleepy so I will have to pass. I'm sure if it is some huge success it will be on the news. Maybe it's not that big of a deal anymore....ha ha ha.... I have a facebook account, I see the pages upon pages of flair created for Twilight. It's scary and a little unsettling. I just don't understand. I know Robert Pattinson is in the movie and I have to tell you, he's incredible in the movie, but I still don't understand the insanity of it all. Maybe it's just me......

pretty sure

2009-03-19T17:52:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I saw this truck being pushed down the road. It pulled into the gas station that we were at. There were four boys pushing the truck. They couldn't have been more than about 12 and another young man. My sister and I felt badly for them because we both know how much it sucks when your car breaks down. We thought it was sad that the man had to have his kids pushing the truck that was a full size truck not a small S10. Once the truck was stopped in the parking lot the kids turned and left. The man called after them thanking them for their help. He looked frazzled. Then the other mid twenty-something man shook the older mans hand and walked away as well. These people didn't know eachother yet they pushed this heavy truck to help this man. It litterally made us go "awww, that makes us feel so much better". And it does. I think it is easy for us to forget that there are good people out in the world. We come into contact with some really negative people and those experiences blur our thinking. We come to think that all people will treat us negatively given the chance. But the truth is, you never know. Maybe ten cars passed that man and his broken down truck before these four kids and twenty-something man stopped to help. Did he ask for help and they responded? Did they offer without his asking? I don't know. But the sight of these people helping a stranger was really sweet.

Once when I was young, my sister, my mom and I were driving my aunt's truck when it broke down. We were really close to home. This was before cellphones were affordable or widely used. I remember this man came up to us and offered help. He used his truck to push our truck the few streets home. It was a really nice thing to do. Was it because it was a mother with her two daughters that made him help? I don't know and honestly it doesn't matter. He helped and obviously I thought it was nice enough to remember it all these years later. Sometimes strangers do things that make us smile and sometimes they do things that make us cry. I have a few more stories but I will leave my crazy where it is.

tic tac toe

2009-03-11T23:26:00.002-04:00

A wish is a wish
A thought is a thought that I have thought before
A word is a word
Sour
Tight
Torn
A song is a song that sings from my heart
A cry is a cry
A laugh is a laugh that laughs from my soul
Brillant
Dull
Tormented
A sigh is a sigh that I have sighed before
A hope is a hope
A dream is a dream that I have dreamt before
Strong
Long
Out of range
A smile is a smile
And nothing more.

2009-03-08T22:36:00.000-04:00

Fanboys

2009-03-08T22:22:00.001-04:00

I just saw the movie Fanboys. I loved it! It is funny, it was sweet, it was slightly sad. A great cast including: Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars people!), the lovely Chris Marquette, Sam Huntington, Dan Fogler, and Jay Bruchel. I heard about this movie a long time ago and have been waiting to hear of its release. Somehow I missed its opening. It is only playing in like one place. I really liked it. Oh and Seth Rogan is in it too! Great GREAT group of people. So the story is: in 1998 a group of friends plan a road trip to break into George Lucas' house to get the Episode I film and watch it six months early. It is their journey along the way. The hilarious twists and turns and the ongoing fight between Star Wars and Star Trek. Which by the way, I don't understand the Star Trek insanity. Is it really that good? What am I missing? Seriously, please explain it to me. I never really watched it and so I don't know what all the hype is about. So if you know please enlighten me. Anyway, watch the movie. I want more movies with these people in them! Honestly, the only good thing about Topic Thunder was Jay Baruchel. And I really think that Chris Marquette is the guy from the tv show All That. If you know for sure please let me know because I am starting to doubt myself. Watch the Movie!

Why? I really don't know...

2009-02-04T15:56:00.003-05:00

I don't know why but I have been watching Dog the Bounty Hunter all day. There's a marathon on A&E all day today. It has a way of hooking you in. It's the people that makes it so interesting. It's disturbing too though because there are so many drug charges and felonies in Hawaii. I can't believe it. The family is so peculiar as well. At the end of every episode they get into the car and light a cigarette and give one to the handcuffed fugitive. I just actually watched the first episode that did not end that way. I was beginning to wonder if criminals had to smoke in order to be a criminal.

Ideas.........

2009-02-02T11:20:00.004-05:00

So I think I am going to change up my blog. I think I've decided I will post things that I like here. An example of author, movie, poem. I might make this a place of nothing but poems I like or poems I've written. I'm not sure yet but I think I will change it up and make it more interesting for me. So here is the first thing I like. I am a Veronica Mars fan.

Lois Duncan

2009-02-02T11:07:00.003-05:00

Lois Duncan is an author grew up here in Florida. She is an incredibly talented storyteller. She particularly writes young adult novels but she has also published a few adult works as well. I grew up reading her books and continue to love them now. They are creative, intense stories. Many of them have a supernatural theme to them. I just felt the need to praise her work. Awesome Lois Duncan! Thank you for writing books that inspired me. You can click the title of this blog to be taken to her website.

I am.......

2009-01-30T13:23:00.006-05:00

I am not a mystery

I am not a puzzle

I am not who you think I am

I am not what you want me to be

I am a girl, crazy by nature, defective by biology

I am a girl, who sees the world

in a different way then you

I am a girl, who loves to love

and has never loved at all

I am a human being, with hair the color brown

I am a human being, with thoughts and goals in mind

I am a human being, emotional by nature, strong by biology

I am not a mystery,

I am not a puzzle,

I am not a lie, well maybe I am

I am a figment of your imagination, with eyes the color blue

I am a secret that no one told you, with words quick to injure, with ideas quick to judge

I am a movement that you can not follow, with heavy sighs, with dramatic eyes

I am not a mystery.

I am only me.

2009-01-30T11:29:00.003-05:00

I had this whole blog planned out in my head. I knew exactly what I wanted to say and now....I don't remember it.
Oh well... You get this instead:

'American Idol' Apologizes to the South
Posted 01/29/09, 1:45 PM GMT by Kelly Woo
Categories: News & Rumors

Looks like 'Idol' got a little lost in translation.

During the Louisville auditions, the show introduced Mark Mudd, who looked like a 'Deliverance' extra and claimed to have "almost died" five times. He also claimed to be a descendent of Dr. Samuel Mudd, who was convicted of helping John Wilkes Booth (the doc had treated his broken leg after Booth assassinated Lincoln).

Anyway, after being rejected decidedly by the judges, Mark Mudd departed with the phrase "be careful," which Paula Abdul took as a threat.

But now the show has issued an apology for misinterpreting a "regional greeting."

Just a simple bike ride

2009-01-02T11:46:00.002-05:00

I just got back from a bike ride. It was nice. My lovely sister bought me a beautiful bike for Christmas. Yes she is awesome. I have already fallen in love with my bike. I rode around my neighborhood and past places I've known since I was a child. The grocery store I used to go to with my mother and sister. The store where my aunt works her second job. The spot where the old Movie theatre used to be but has recently been converted into two separate stores. It's funny that the theatre actually lasted as long as it did in that spot. Its not really a neighborhood per se. At least not what I would define as a traditional neighborhood but I suppose it is the norm in Florida. The theatre only had two screens if I do recall correctly. One on the right and one on the left with the concession stand in the center. I loved that place. I miss it a lot. It was nice to go a few blocks over and see a movie. That's the place were I saw The Lion King and fell in love with it. It became my favorite movie for years. I was pretty obsessed with it. I saw Sixth Sense there with my mom and sister. And tons of other movies that I was too young to remember. It was a family spot. It has a special place in my heart. There are a lot of places that are dear to me. Places were I can drive past and practically feel the memories play out in front of me as if they only happened yesterday though they did not. The park where I fed ducks with my oldest brother when I was four. Where I had lunch with my mom and sister when I was older. Where all of us kids played and caused trouble. The gas station down the road where we would stop to buy candy on the walk home. The pizza place where my family would go to eat about once a week or so. The McDonald's where we would have lunch after a day of errands. Where we were spoiled with ice cream even though we didn't have much money. The Dairy Queen that I can literally picture my mother sitting in the back booth that is no longer there. The Middle school where one of my most embarrassing public humiliation stories happened. Where one of the "toughest, meanest" teachers warmed her heart to me. Subtly, but I knew I proved something to her that she wasn't expecting. The houses my family used to share. The store we bought our dinning room table that is currently behind me. Where I recently revisited to buy my bookshelf. There are places and people that warm our hearts and spark our memories. Places where we learned more about ourselves. Places we spent treasured time with loved ones. Places that make us feel better and hurt us at the same time. Crazy that this blog is a result of a bike ride around a place I know. I just got to see it in a different way, taking time to think them over.

This sucks

2008-12-21T13:22:00.002-05:00

When the hell did these people become these people?
When did they change into these creatures that are nothing like them?
When did they forget about feelings and pride?
When did they turn their backs and then pretend to cry?
When did they let themselves go and become replaced by a figure I cannot describe?
What the hell is wrong with them and why can't they see it?
Why am I so pissed off?
How can you be this way?
How can you be this way?
How can you lie ?
How can you be what I despise?
How can you look into the mirror and be okay with what stares back at you?
How do you not see what is wrong and right?
How can you be so insensitive?
How did we become this way?
Will we ever be the same?

You're okay with walking away
With pretending it was all not your fault
Take some responsibility
I love you but damn am I mad
Why do you dwell on the things that are "wrong" with others but not judge yourself the same?
How is that fair?
Why did you always play these games?

How did we become this way?
You so vain
Me so bitter and maybe insane
Will we ever be the same?

Are you my mother? =P.D. Eastman=

2008-11-26T20:55:00.004-05:00

This is the website that I am going to slightly blog about. Click on the title of my blog to view it.
http://www.parentdish.com/2008/11/26/florida-ban-on-gay-adoptions-ruled-unconstitutional/

I could rant on this and several related topics. I will try not to. I think to ban people from having kids is crazy especially when you are only alienating a certain group. Who has the right to say no you can't have kids? I mean really let's think about this......Why can drug addicts have babies? Or criminals? Or alcoholics? Or abusers? People can have babies because they are physically able to. If you have a uterus that works you can have a baby. So what happens if you don't? You can adopt, right? Not if your gay. There's a 30 year ban on gays adopting. It was recently ruled unconstitutional.

People of any kind have the ability, potential, and opportunity to be good or bad. They can be good parents who strive to give their children a better life than they had or they can push their kids down because they resent them for having more opportunities to enrich their lives than they did. They can be loving and protecting or they can be hurtful and abusive. Who do you what as a parent? Someone who loves you more than they love themselves? Someone who gives you everything they have without thought for themselves? Someone who makes sure you eat when there's not enough food for both of you? Someone who listens and cares and is always there for you even when you push them away? Answer this question for me, does it matter if that someone is gay? People of any kind have the ability, potential, and opportunity to be good or bad. It's what they choose to be that makes them different.

Do you see this look on my face? It doesn't say talk to me, does it?

2008-11-25T13:07:00.002-05:00

I am annoyed. Two hours at the doctor and I leave knowing less than when I started. Wait for an hour and a half just to have the doctor talk to me for maybe five minutes and leave. Serious?!

You are wrong, so wrong, you are so wrong you don't even know how to be right!

2008-11-21T14:38:00.005-05:00

(click on the title of my blog and it will take you to the article)
Check out the article:
http://www.popeater.com/television/article/pre-thanksgiving-bloodbath-at-abc/256443

I am sad to say that "Pushing Daisies" is cancelled. This is sad. I loved this show. Lee Pace is incredible. He brings such a sweet endearing character to us each Wednesday night and yet you can't appreciate him like I do. He is truly awesome. The show is fun and quirky and crazy, everything I love. Anna Friel is the perfect match for Pace's character Ned. They fit so well together. She's sweet, brave, strong, and in love with Ned(Who isn't?). Chi McBride plays Emerson Cod: First, love the name. He is a mean abrasive man who you just know can't be that bad. It is easy to grow fond of him. He's great. And Kristin Chenoweth, how can you not love her? She's hilarious! All in all I think this is a great show and I am sad to see it go. You will be missed, 'Pushing Daisies' (and especially Lee Pace).

http://www.imdb.com/media/rm535794176/nm1195855

That's friendship Charlie Brown

2008-11-19T15:20:00.002-05:00

This is a thought I had and so I thought I would voice it. I was thinking about how some people seem to make others continuously prove their friendship to them. These others do things to show they care and will be there for their friend. They help that person. They talk to that person. They are there for that person when others aren't. But then that person doesn't reciprocate. They don't call you. They don't write you. They don't go to things that are important to you. They don't act like they are sorry they didn't call or show up when they said they would again and again. They don't prove their friendship to you. They don't seem to care about you. They don't seem to know you. And what's worse is that they do the same thing to someone else who is a far better friend to them then you are. The someone who over and over has done things above and beyond the level of friendship. They treated that person more like family because that person was supposed to be like family. It's sad. It's annoying. It's angering.

Okay whatev

2008-11-13T19:16:00.002-05:00

So I have a hurt knee. I have to do physical therapy for it which is completely weird. It makes me realize just how out of shape i am. Wow, it is difficult. And yes my knee is somewhat hurting right now. Don't worry i won't make this a blog about my hurt knee as some of you have said I would.

I am going to comment on the fact that I have had a lot of candy since Halloween. Who can walk into Target and see that the left over candy is 50% off and not buy some? Really who can say no? No one. Unless it's candy corn....GROSS. I think it's funny how Halloween causes adults to buy bunches of candy and pretend like they don't want to save half of it for themselves. Maybe it's just me. I like candy, hello it rhymes with my name how can I not. Someone said that to me when I was a kid. It was kinda funny. I also remember going to the grocery store with my mom when I was a kid and the bagger person would give me a smiley face sticker or something. I think they remembered me as a kid as I got older and continued shopping there. Something sweet in a big city. I wasn't a particularly cute kid but my faults were supposedly cute to other people. I guess people think kids are cute when they have chubby cheeks and flushed faces. I guess I have the "grandma complex" because I can't help but pinch my nephews chubby face and say how cute they are. They are. I do it partly because I know it bugs them. And it's funny to see how they react.

Well that's about all I can think to say. Sorry it was boring.
Oh, and poetry is good. It's inspiring and emotional. Don't be afraid of it. Read it, think about what it's saying. You can't really be wrong because it's not so much about the words, it's about what you think and feel as a result of them.

Amendment two is not for you

2008-11-04T13:17:00.002-05:00

I don't voice my opinions all that much when it comes to certain things but here's what I have to say:

Amendment 2: Marriage, what is it? It is a union of two people who supposedly love and care for each other enough to say that you want to commit their lives to each other. It means that two people are supportive of one another and they are accepting of each other for exactly who they are. So why is this union only acceptable for certain people? Who is to say that same sex couples can't get married? Do you think they don't love each other as much as a man and a woman do? Do you think it's not right because they can't create a "family"? Not everyone wants a family that includes children. If they do then let them adopt. When you try to start arguing the effects on a child growing up with two mothers or two fathers answer these questions: What are the effects on a child growing up in a man and woman marriage where the father isn't present or is flaky and/or the mother doesn't want the child but feels trapped? What are the effects on children growing up watching violence in the media and entertainment? What are the effects on children who don't have parents? When you can give me justifiable reasons for these questions maybe I will listen. It doesn't matter who you are or who you are with if you are in a committed relationship with someone you have the right to get married. If you are willing to share your life with someone else that's the only part that matters. "Standards" and "norms" need to be pushed away because they don't matter.

Marriage is what it is.It is a legal binding contract pledging one person to another. If you willing to do that you have the right to marry anyone. Marriage is what the individual makes it. Same sex unions do not threaten, change, or destroy marriage in any way. They uphold it. They have the same meaning and promise behind their vows as marriage between a man and a woman.

I can really go on about this issue and others but I will rest my case.

Well, well, well......REALLY?!

2008-10-31T13:58:00.004-04:00

Well I have been told that my blog is lacking lately. That it is not interesting enough. That it doesn't say much. I think the poems that I put up are good poems. The fact that I chose them kind of says something about me. You have to think about it, I guess.

Honestly, I haven't had much to say lately that is worth putting up in a blog. At least nothing nice to say. I am debating whether or not I will add a silly little story I wrote up here. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. You can anticipate the arrival or be disappointed by the non-publishedness of it. Good day. And Happy Halloween!

BY THE WAY:
The Word of the Day for October 31, 2008 is:
chiropteran • \kye-RAHP-tuh-run\ • noun
: any of an order of night-flying mammals with forelimbs modified to form wings

Tuesday

2008-10-28T13:09:00.001-04:00

The Word of the Day for October 28, 2008 is:
eldritch • \EL-dritch\ • adjective
: weird, eerie

Langston Hughes

2008-10-27T15:58:00.000-04:00

Dream Deferred by Langston Hughes
What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--
And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

2008-10-24T07:51:00.001-04:00

WORD OF THE DAY:
exoteric • \ek-suh-TAIR-ik\ • adjective
*1 : suitable to be imparted to the public
2 : belonging to the outer or less initiate circle
3 : external

POEM OF THE DAY:

ROBERT FROST:

A Dream Pang

I had withdrawn in forest, and my song
Was swallowed up in leaves that blew alway;
And to the forest edge you came one day
(This was my dream) and looked and pondered long,
But did not enter, though the wish was strong:
You shook your pensive head as who should say,
‘I dare not—too far in his footsteps stray—
He must seek me would he undo the wrong.

Not far, but near, I stood and saw it all
Behind low boughs the trees let down outside;
And the sweet pang it cost me not to call
And tell you that I saw does still abide.
But ’tis not true that thus I dwelt aloof,
For the wood wakes, and you are here for proof.

Robert Frost

2008-10-23T14:35:00.002-04:00

MAYA ANGELOU:
Touched by An Angel by Maya Angelou
We, unaccustomed to courage
exiles from delight
live coiled in shells of loneliness
until love leaves its high holy temple
and comes into our sight
to liberate us into life.

Love arrives
and in its train come ecstasies
old memories of pleasure
ancient histories of pain.
Yet if we are bold,
love strikes away the chains of fear
from our souls.

We are weaned from our timidity
In the flush of love's light
we dare be brave
And suddenly we see
that love costs all we are
and will ever be.
Yet it is only love
which sets us free.

I am reading Maya Angelou's biography. The book "Letter to my daughters". It's interesting. I have recently read some of her poems and truly loved them. So I thought I would start adding poems to my blog as a "Poem of the day" type thing.

2008-10-21T11:13:00.000-04:00

The Word of the Day for October 21, 2008 is:
shunpike • \SHUN-pyke\ • noun
: a side road used to avoid the toll on or the speed and traffic of a superhighway

Dew or Dew Not?

2008-10-17T10:11:00.004-04:00

It's that time again. The AST Dew Tour. Awesome athletes and awesome tricks. These guys are crazy! Last night was the BMX Park Prelims and BMX Vert Prelims. I saw the Park Prelims. The biggest question from the night: How is it possible to have such a large group of attractive guys in one area? It is pretty amazing and inspiring to see these guys participating in such a dangerous sport with a huge smile plastered on their faces. It was so sweet to see that these guys truly love what they do and that is the reason they do it. I want that. Not the dangerous, crazy job. But the feeling of being so happy in the career field. Feeling like that is what you are meant to do and being so good at it. Amazing. Being in the middle of the intense, stressful competition and being able to smile in the midst of it. Every one of these guys are phenomenal. Truly great athletes.

Of course again this year I was looking forward to seeing Dennis McCoy, Simon Tabron, Chad Kagy, Kevin Robinson, Steven McCann, Scotty Cranmer, Mike Spinner, Ryan Guettler, and TJ Ellis. I have to say that after this weekend I have a whole list of great athletes to add. Like Cam White, Ryan Nyquist, Rob Darden, Chris Doyle. Greatness. As I watched the BMX Park I found myself rooting for Dennis McCoy (DMC) to rise to 1st place. I love him. I was sad that Kevin Robinson was not able to ride. He is great to watch and just seems like a great person. The weekend was exciting and full of wonderful entertainment. Unfortunately Ryan Guettler seemed to be off his game this competition. He suffered a few falls and didn't get a high position. He is amazing when he rides. He has this graceful, elegance to him. It's adorable too. And Chris Doyle, watching him is a pure delight. He makes it look so easy. Riding definitely seems like it comes naturally to him.

I could go on and on about this but I won't. I'll just say that I have a lot of respect for every rider. These guys in a seriously dangerous sport and they love every second of it. They are a true family. As one rider falls several other riders rush over to check on their friend and help him out. They lend each other bikes and have a sincere concern for each others well being. They are a great group of guys and a very attractive group as well.

2008-10-09T15:06:00.001-04:00

The Word of the Day for October 09, 2008 is:
indagate • \IN-duh-gayt\ • verb
: to search into : investigate

......................

2008-09-26T07:51:00.001-04:00

The Word of the Day for September 26, 2008 is:
prodigy • \PRAH-duh-jee\ • noun
1 : something extraordinary : wonder
*2 : a highly talented child

mother

2008-09-19T07:48:00.004-04:00

I went to go see my mother on wednesday. I wasn't planning it. I was actually going to go to this furniture store but as I drove near it I felt like I wanted to go see my mom. The cementery is a good distance away from my house. It took about 20 or 30 minutes to get there. I had this need to bring her flowers. I just felt like it was something I needed to do. I know it makes no sense. I drove around for about 40 minutes trying to find a place to get flowers. Bad ones at Walgreens, none at CVS, finally Winn-Dixie. I was trying to find the right ones. I saw pretty yellow ones and pretty purple ones. I bought them both becasue I wanted to stop by and leave some for a friend of the family as well. Yellow ones felt right for my mom. They just seemed so full of life. I bought them and took them over. There were lawn maintence workers there. They left a ladder right near my mother. I walked up to my mother's spot. There was so much life around her. A lot of lizards. Three or so full grown and what seemed like five or so babies. Ants crawling over the marble sides. A butterfly trying to avoid becoming the lizards lunch as it jumped at the butterfly as it flew by. I sat there next to her little stone name plate and I talked. I didn't tell her as much as I wanted to, as much as I needed to. I just talked and sat there thinking about all the life around her. The yellow flowers seemed even more fitting now. They reflected the energy of my mother as did all these creatures surrounding her. I didn;t get to stay long because I could tell that the maintence people were waiting for me to leave so they could finish working.

ugh

2008-09-12T12:43:00.003-04:00

Evil tag agency. How do you expect me to remember to renew my tag! Especially after you only send one reminder and it's in July! Hello, I forget to pay my monthly bills! Speaking of that, I have to pay my bills. Well, I guess there's a silver lining. There was a really cute guy there. Now I just have to pay that ticket. First ticket ever. That sucks. Maybe when I go pay that there will be another cute guy and that will make paying the ticket worth while. Yeah, okay not gonna happen.

@@$#%&*^^^^^^^WHAT!@#!$###%$^

2008-07-29T22:22:00.003-04:00

So I feel kind of horrible. I have not being feeling well for about a week now. And the doctor seemed to think it may be allergies. A ll I know is that I literally can't stop coughing. It is rather upsetting.
And another lizard got into my house.

Why?

2008-07-29T10:01:00.001-04:00

I am disappointed Shia LaBeouf, I am disappointed. Here is this good actor. Funny guy. And what is he doing? Not good things that's what. Drinking and Driving. Getting arrested for being intoxicated inside a wal-greens and refusing to leave. This does make me sad.

Is it wrong that I think Elvis is creepy?

2008-07-26T16:04:00.002-04:00

I don't know why I find Elvis creepy. He just is for some reason. There's one CD cover that really creeps me out. I literally have to cover it up so I don't see the picture for long periods of time. There's some unknown creepiness around him. Maybe it's just me.

Donny Osmond is also a creepy human being. He is the definition of creepy. People can argue that fact all they want but it still does not change. He is creepy. Look a little closer next time you see him. Listen a little longer. I'm telling you, you will see it. Your hair will prickle. Your heart will beat faster. Your skin will crawl. Okay maybe it's not that apparent but his creepiness is completely undeniable.

So I heard a story today that a man had his ex girlfriend kidnapped by his friend so that he could save her and get her to go back out with him. Why oh why did he think this would work? How would he explain how he knew where to find her? Or why his friend kidnapped her? Or even that she was kidnapped in the first place? Some many unanswered questions. What was this guy thinking. Here's a helpful hint: having someone kidnapped is not romantic at all! It's scary. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy is somehow connected to Donny Osmond. Maybe that's where he got the idea from. The fact that this guy even thought about doing this "plan" to win her back shows his level of crazy at the highest level. Wow.

Gross gross gross

2008-07-21T21:29:00.000-04:00

Another FREAKING LIZARD got into my house!

Movies and what not

2008-07-20T21:11:00.003-04:00

I just watched "Penelope". I have to say it was one of the sweetest movies I have seen in a long time. It was amazing. I loved it. It was sweet and strong and enjoyable. It was unexpected and refreshing. I was happy with the way it played out. All the actors were great. I loved Christina Ricci and James McAvoy. I am slightly in love with him now. I liked Reese Witherspoon's character. She was great for the role. It was a lovely surprise to see Nick Frost in the movie.

I also saw 'The Dark Night'. Heath Ledger was perfect. It was sad to watch the movie with him in it. He was amazing though. He was both crazy and funny. He portrayed the Joker with at times annoying insanity and unbelievable intelligence. I didn't think Christian Bale was a good fit for Batman (I did not see Batman Begins). I thought he looked too little for the role. He just didn't seem right. I was proven wrong to a degree. He was pretty great as Bruce Wayne but the voice he took on as Batman was fairly annoying. I did like him in the role. I think Maggie Gyllenhaal really pulled off her character. I can't even explain how good Aaron Eckhart was. He was awesome. A completely different person than I have seen him as. He was great. Still I think Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman were two of my favorites.

On Tv right now is 'Biodome'. I must express how much I can not stand that movie.

But all of my friends think it's a good idea....

2008-06-21T16:18:00.003-04:00

Girls naturally have very low self-esteem. This is my opinion, being a girl in all it might count for something. Being a teenage girl does not help the self-esteem level (though I am no longer a teen). Everyone has a different background and family life. A positive one will aid the girl in making better decisions and realizing her actual worth faster than a negative home life. Again, this is my opinion. So that said. What possess' 17 girls 16 years old and younger to decide to get pregnant together? I don't know. I think when you don't fit in all you can think about is what you are potentially missing by not being "accepted", "cool", "popular" or what have you. Some girls are willing to do things that they don't want to do in order to fit in. I guess the saying is true, you always want what you can't have. I feel bad for these teenage girls. They are barely teens and soon they are going to be parents. They are going to have to give up so much for that child, if they want to be good mothers. They will have to put their life on hold to raise the child they brought into the world. They chose to get pregnant without being ready for all that it entails. They decided they were grown enough to give birth to a life when they probably don't do their own laundry. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING AGAINST YOUNG MOTHERS. There are many young mothers in the world that are fantastic. Truly great to their children, mature women, and devoted mothers. My argument is the fact that these girls basically gave into peer pressure and in order to gain status got pregnant. That shows that they are not mature. They are not responsible. They do not fully understand the hard work and importance that is involved in rising children. And I wonder if they realize how painful it will be to physically give birth to a child. I'm going to stop this rant now because I am not communicating effectively what I feel and think. I am starting to sound like one of those crazy ignorant people. I don't want to be that. So have a good day.