It seems to me that the very thing you are searching for the most is the very thing you are afraid of and push away every time it gets close. The line between vulnerable and weak is a very thin one but sometimes the reason is good enough to forget the difference. I don't understand how you seemed so open and positive and full of things most people aren't. And now you seem to have lost that spark. I am sad for you. Maybe I knew a different person. Maybe you forgot who you used to be. Maybe I should remind you because you are not weak. You are strong. You are independent. And the last time I checked you were full of love to give and receive.
I want you to be happy. I want you to be confident. I want you to be you.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Postsecret Real World graduation
The following statement is on the postsecret blog comments under the graduation story.
"Emily Elizabeth said...
Going out into the "real world" is a scary concept until it hits you (and it will!) that you are already living in the real world and always have been."
When I read this I completely agreed. There are people out in the world who do not realize they are already part of the world. I don't like how at graduations people always say you will be going forward into the "real world". I don't know about you but I have been living in the real world the whole time.
The moment you realize that the world isn't going to give you everything that you want, the moment you realize that things sometimes hurt so badly that you don't know if you can stand the pain, the moment you realize you love your mother and hope to be just like her even though it is not the "cool" thing to say or feel---you are living in the real world.
When you decide to be exactly who you are and love who and what you want to you are in the real world. There are times when what you feel, want, believe, think are considered naive or immature. The times when you can acknowledge the idea and find the correlation but still feel, want, believe, and think those things with hope that they will be true---you are living in the real world.
The "real world" isn't always pretty. It isn't always safe. It isn't always what you want or hope for it to be. Take your time getting to the "real world" if you can. And when you get there try to hold on to the ideals and passion of "your world" and find a way to survive the "real world".
"Emily Elizabeth said...
Going out into the "real world" is a scary concept until it hits you (and it will!) that you are already living in the real world and always have been."
When I read this I completely agreed. There are people out in the world who do not realize they are already part of the world. I don't like how at graduations people always say you will be going forward into the "real world". I don't know about you but I have been living in the real world the whole time.
The moment you realize that the world isn't going to give you everything that you want, the moment you realize that things sometimes hurt so badly that you don't know if you can stand the pain, the moment you realize you love your mother and hope to be just like her even though it is not the "cool" thing to say or feel---you are living in the real world.
When you decide to be exactly who you are and love who and what you want to you are in the real world. There are times when what you feel, want, believe, think are considered naive or immature. The times when you can acknowledge the idea and find the correlation but still feel, want, believe, and think those things with hope that they will be true---you are living in the real world.
The "real world" isn't always pretty. It isn't always safe. It isn't always what you want or hope for it to be. Take your time getting to the "real world" if you can. And when you get there try to hold on to the ideals and passion of "your world" and find a way to survive the "real world".
Monday, May 4, 2009
Letter to my father
Dear man that married my Mother,
I can not begin to tell you how much pain you inflicted on my family. You know the worst things you did that caused pain and anger. But here are the things you don't even now you've done. maybe you do.
I never met you. I don't know what you look like. I've seen pictures, yes of course, but there's a difference between seeing someone on paper and seeing them in front of your eyes. That, I'm sure, has had some unknown effect on me. Not knowing who my father is. I know your name but nothing else. I know you are not a good man. But I don't know what I have or am because of you. Do I have characteristics like you? Do I have family that is made up of good people even though they are related to you? Do I have family that wonders who I am or what I'm like. Probably not.
You walking away is the best thing you could have done for my family. But, you being a man and owning up to your responsiblities and being a good person who doesn't hurt their family is something that you should have done. You should have been there for my mom. You should have been a father for your kids. You should have grown up. But you didn't do those things. I wonder if you have regrets about that. Probably not.
I don't feel a need to have a father but I feel the effects of not having one. There were so many times when I needed one, when my family needed one. I have great brothers and a great sister. I have a great family. We've all been through a lot. I wonder if things could have been better if we had a good father around.
I put myself through school. I paid my way through Valencia and now I am paying for UCF. I am running out of money. I don't have enough to comfortably pay my tution. I can't receive financial aid. Do you know why? Because of you. I am going to blame this on you because I have the right too. I have no father information to fill in the FAFSA. I don't have proof that you weren't in my life. I don't have documentation to be considered independent. I am angry for this. I have to find ways to PROVE my father was not in my life. That he didn't take care of me, that he didn't pay for school, that he didn't pay my bills, that he didn't care. I have to prove that you didn't exist. But how do you prove something didn't exist when it didn't exist? There's no form to fill out in high school to declare yourself fatherless. There's no option on the college application for deadbeat dad. I have fought so much about this it's not fair for me to have to fight even more.
Why do I need to have a father fill in tax information when he wouldn't be the one to pay for my school. What part of independent don't schools understand. It means I work to take care of myself. It means that I pay for school and books. It means there is no parent to help financially.
I didn't know it was possible to be so angry at someone you've never met. To have so much pain and hate for someone you can't place it on.
I hope you know the effects of your abuse and neglect and I hope it keeps you up at night.
I am my MOTHER'S daughter and so I will continue to fight. I will continue to try to pay for school. I am strong and sometimes brave. I am good and caring. I am proud and confident. And I want you to know that none of that came from you. I am who am I because of the things I learned from my mother.
Sincerely,
Amanda (do you even remember me?)
I can not begin to tell you how much pain you inflicted on my family. You know the worst things you did that caused pain and anger. But here are the things you don't even now you've done. maybe you do.
I never met you. I don't know what you look like. I've seen pictures, yes of course, but there's a difference between seeing someone on paper and seeing them in front of your eyes. That, I'm sure, has had some unknown effect on me. Not knowing who my father is. I know your name but nothing else. I know you are not a good man. But I don't know what I have or am because of you. Do I have characteristics like you? Do I have family that is made up of good people even though they are related to you? Do I have family that wonders who I am or what I'm like. Probably not.
You walking away is the best thing you could have done for my family. But, you being a man and owning up to your responsiblities and being a good person who doesn't hurt their family is something that you should have done. You should have been there for my mom. You should have been a father for your kids. You should have grown up. But you didn't do those things. I wonder if you have regrets about that. Probably not.
I don't feel a need to have a father but I feel the effects of not having one. There were so many times when I needed one, when my family needed one. I have great brothers and a great sister. I have a great family. We've all been through a lot. I wonder if things could have been better if we had a good father around.
I put myself through school. I paid my way through Valencia and now I am paying for UCF. I am running out of money. I don't have enough to comfortably pay my tution. I can't receive financial aid. Do you know why? Because of you. I am going to blame this on you because I have the right too. I have no father information to fill in the FAFSA. I don't have proof that you weren't in my life. I don't have documentation to be considered independent. I am angry for this. I have to find ways to PROVE my father was not in my life. That he didn't take care of me, that he didn't pay for school, that he didn't pay my bills, that he didn't care. I have to prove that you didn't exist. But how do you prove something didn't exist when it didn't exist? There's no form to fill out in high school to declare yourself fatherless. There's no option on the college application for deadbeat dad. I have fought so much about this it's not fair for me to have to fight even more.
Why do I need to have a father fill in tax information when he wouldn't be the one to pay for my school. What part of independent don't schools understand. It means I work to take care of myself. It means that I pay for school and books. It means there is no parent to help financially.
I didn't know it was possible to be so angry at someone you've never met. To have so much pain and hate for someone you can't place it on.
I hope you know the effects of your abuse and neglect and I hope it keeps you up at night.
I am my MOTHER'S daughter and so I will continue to fight. I will continue to try to pay for school. I am strong and sometimes brave. I am good and caring. I am proud and confident. And I want you to know that none of that came from you. I am who am I because of the things I learned from my mother.
Sincerely,
Amanda (do you even remember me?)
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