Lately I have been thinking about a lot of things. Thinking about the past. I have been reflecting on the things that I have experienced. I realize I have said to many people that I have been through a lot. And I think I recently actually realized that I have been through a lot. When I think back to the jobs I've had that's a large portion of the negative situations I have endured. I never should have had to deal with half of the things I did at my jobs.
I know people usually always say what you go through makes you stronger but I don't necessarily believe that. I think the things I have experienced have made me bitter, angry, afraid, hesitant, resistant.
Friends turned out to be liars. Coworkers turned out to be jerks. I feel like the joke of the whole thing.
I was young when i first started working. Young and stupid. I trusted the people around me. I ignored things I shouldn't have because I was afraid I was reading into them or I was afraid I would get someone into trouble. I didn't defend myself like I should have. I was naive.
I have been called many names. I have been cussed out. I have been treated like an enemy. I have been conned. Have I learned from this? I'd like to think so. I think I have. Have I let it get the best of me? Probably and I don't like that. Do I let it nag me and have control over me? For a long time there was one situation in particular that I let get to me. It bothered me so badly. I thought about it all the time. Weeks, months, years later I still thought about that moment with a serious mix of emotions. Maybe that is why I am so set on being the person I want to be, the person I say I am.
I have many stories to tell and a strong desire to tell them. Rehashing them will most likely bring about a few tears, a few angry words, and a whole mess of feelings. There are truly many things that I regret but some of the outcomes I finally realize are probably for the best. If I didn't have that negative experience and jerk guy moment I would probably still be at my first job without a second thought about school. At least I know a little more about what I want now. And I know without a doubt in my mind I never wanted him. I never needed him. I never desired him. Maybe I wanted to, maybe I thought I needed to but I didn't. And that, makes me feel better about myself. I know who I am. At times I don't fully like myself. But I know what I need to work on and I know what I do like about myself. And if I ever would have allowed myself to become involved with him I would be completely different. And I would absolutely hate myself.
