Gerascophobia

It's my birthday

A lesson in who I am

It's funny how we go through our daily lives not thinking about the things we actually do. Where we go. Who we are with. What we do.

I had these two days of conscience/moral checking it seems. They seemed like days that were testing me. Trying to see if I follow through on what I say I believe. I think I surprised myself with the results.

Exhibit A: guy at Best Buy. I could have easily complained about the guy and then just driven away. Instead I decided to do what I thought he should have. I pick up the case he "discarded" and took it home. I placed it in the recycling bin where I strongly feel it belongs. I picked it up from the ground. The dirty contaminated public parking lot ground. My sister seemed proud. Honestly, I was a little surprised. I am the girl who washes her hands a million times a day. I didn't freak out about it. I just did it and didn't really think about the fact that it was a step in the right direction for me. I know any one normal who reads this will think "what's the big deal? So you touched something from the ground." But OCD has had a strong hold on me. I've felt it's hold quite a bit lately. This was a good thing.

Exhibit B: An older woman was walking toward a Ross store. She was carrying a bag with her. It looked as if she were going to return some things. She was carrying the bag upside down though so the receipt fall onto the ground. She didn't even notice. My sister and I were driving by. I pointed it out to my sister who was driving. I felt bad about it. I asked her to stop and I jumped out of the car. I grabbed the receipt from the ground, the dirty filthy public ground and handed it over the woman who was about to go inside the store. She thanked me because she was indeed going to return some things. I just said your welcome and ran back to my sister's car.

These seem like little things to the average person but to me they showed me something. They showed me that I can be considerate. That I can be the person that I want to be, that people think I am. I can be nice. I can right something that I think is a wrong. It's interesting.

You wash your hands like a doctor

I have heard this many times before. I can tell you the exact moment I remember starting to freak out about washing my hands. I remember the beginnings of my OCD. Which to me is funny because I thought it was something you were born with and the start of it is unknown. I remember.

I used to be a normal girl, as normal as I have ever been anyway. I'm sure I washed my hands before I ate and what not. But I wasn't as concerned about things like that as I am now. If you don't have some type of OCD or other quirk you may not understand the full intensity and pain that can come along with it.

I have spent many conversations trying to defend my actions, my tendencies. The truth is I will never stop being judged. People will not overlook the things I do. Maybe they can't just like I can't help but do them. I understand they make no sense to you, they do to me. I understand that they are sometimes pointless but they make me feel better.

You should never point out your flaws because once you do that will be the only thing people see. They will think about it every time they see you. It will be the first thing to come to mind when your name is mentioned in conversation.

Do comments like "you wash your hands like a doctor" bother me? It depends on the day I am having. Generally, no. Sometimes, yes. Sometimes the idea of what people think of me is heavy. Sometimes it worries me, sometimes it bothers me, sometimes it makes me sad. But sometimes it doesn't.