Enduring

I have been battling, maybe not so much battling as that requires strength and some positive gains, enduring perhaps. I have been enduring depression for some time along with anxiety and panic and other things for quite some time. Lately, I often feel like I have hit a wall. I have hit a wall and there's this awful, horrible circle where I feel unable to control myself. Within that circle is when I feel helpless, forgotten, and destroyed. Within that circle is where the thoughts occur. The thoughts that terrify me, the thoughts that depression causes and I don't know how to come back from those thoughts. This buildup in my chest, this feeling that my chest is going to burst from an overload of emotion-grief, pain, fear, anxiety, depression, intensity, anger, concern, stress, uncertainty, weakness, inability, despair..... This build up is locked away because no one will understand it, no one asks why my eyes look so sad or if I am okay. I have to figure this all out on my own because I am a grown woman. I am twenty-five and it is well past the time that I should have learned to stand on my own two feet emotionally. But the weight of all these emotions and doctor speak for being really fucked up is too much for my narrow shoulders to carry. The weight is too heavy for my damaged body and weary mind. These emotions are much too strong for one mere mortal to bear. The effects of this overflow of emotions is terrifying. In those moments it's all I can think of. It's taunting me like waving it's tiny hands calling 'I'm the only way you will feel better' and I am terrified that I am going to believe him. Sometimes I think I do and there is nothing more dangerous than that. A weak mind can not be exposed to such horrid, dark thoughts. A weak mind is defenseless against such nasty thoughts. I am terrified. I am tired. I am weak. I am terrified. And I don't know what to do about it.