Letter to my father

Dear man that married my Mother,

I can not begin to tell you how much pain you inflicted on my family. You know the worst things you did that caused pain and anger. But here are the things you don't even now you've done. maybe you do.

I never met you. I don't know what you look like. I've seen pictures, yes of course, but there's a difference between seeing someone on paper and seeing them in front of your eyes. That, I'm sure, has had some unknown effect on me. Not knowing who my father is. I know your name but nothing else. I know you are not a good man. But I don't know what I have or am because of you. Do I have characteristics like you? Do I have family that is made up of good people even though they are related to you? Do I have family that wonders who I am or what I'm like. Probably not.

You walking away is the best thing you could have done for my family. But, you being a man and owning up to your responsiblities and being a good person who doesn't hurt their family is something that you should have done. You should have been there for my mom. You should have been a father for your kids. You should have grown up. But you didn't do those things. I wonder if you have regrets about that. Probably not.

I don't feel a need to have a father but I feel the effects of not having one. There were so many times when I needed one, when my family needed one. I have great brothers and a great sister. I have a great family. We've all been through a lot. I wonder if things could have been better if we had a good father around.

I put myself through school. I paid my way through Valencia and now I am paying for UCF. I am running out of money. I don't have enough to comfortably pay my tution. I can't receive financial aid. Do you know why? Because of you. I am going to blame this on you because I have the right too. I have no father information to fill in the FAFSA. I don't have proof that you weren't in my life. I don't have documentation to be considered independent. I am angry for this. I have to find ways to PROVE my father was not in my life. That he didn't take care of me, that he didn't pay for school, that he didn't pay my bills, that he didn't care. I have to prove that you didn't exist. But how do you prove something didn't exist when it didn't exist? There's no form to fill out in high school to declare yourself fatherless. There's no option on the college application for deadbeat dad. I have fought so much about this it's not fair for me to have to fight even more.

Why do I need to have a father fill in tax information when he wouldn't be the one to pay for my school. What part of independent don't schools understand. It means I work to take care of myself. It means that I pay for school and books. It means there is no parent to help financially.

I didn't know it was possible to be so angry at someone you've never met. To have so much pain and hate for someone you can't place it on.

I hope you know the effects of your abuse and neglect and I hope it keeps you up at night.

I am my MOTHER'S daughter and so I will continue to fight. I will continue to try to pay for school. I am strong and sometimes brave. I am good and caring. I am proud and confident. And I want you to know that none of that came from you. I am who am I because of the things I learned from my mother.

Sincerely,
Amanda (do you even remember me?)