Happy Thanksgiving.

On this day of thanks I am thinking of my mother. I am remembering various Thanksgivings with her and how she would spend hours cooking dinner for all of us. As I attempt to cook a meal and fail fairly terribly I think of my mother. I miss her. But I am thankful that I had her.

Nouns and nos

I didn't think about it before but now that you brought it to my attention I can't stop thinking about it. I am really starting to like the idea but I'm afraid it's just the idea that I like and not the noun that goes with it. But the noun is pretty appealing too. When I stop and think about it that is. But there are a lot of verbs and adjectives that aren't so nice that go right along with said noun. I wish I could stop thinking about it because it is seriously driving me crazy. If I try that's a bad idea. If I don't that's generally the way I go. I am curious of how I would be with that noun. Maybe nice? But maybe not? And then there's the other noun that I can't tell if it's referring to me and if so I feel bad. I never asked for this. In fact I'm pretty sure that I have built myself up to be protected from it. What should I do?

November 6th

So, yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my mother's passing. I truly can not believe that it has been 10 years. It seems like only a few years ago not 10. Often on November 6th I am very sad. I might cry. I might be really depressed. I might be withdrawn. This year I wanted to celebrate my mother's life. I wanted my family to all get together on this one day and talk about my mom. We never talk about our mom. I don't know why. I often feel this overwhelming need and desire to talk about my mom but I don't really have anyone to turn to. If I bring her up I run the risk of hurting everyone else. Yesterday, I didn't cry. I didn't break down. I felt okay. Which is the most ridiculous way to feel on that day. Isn't it? I take some comfort in my reaction. Everyday is another day without my mother. That probably sounds odd. It's just this crazy, awkward, sad, stomach dropping, skin tingling feeling occurs when thinking about my mother being gone so long, thinking about the ten years that I have faced without her, and the years without her. It's sad and difficult. I think my mom would actually be proud of me for not breaking down. I just hope I can keep it up.

It's just crazy that it has been so long.