November 6th

So, yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of my mother's passing. I truly can not believe that it has been 10 years. It seems like only a few years ago not 10. Often on November 6th I am very sad. I might cry. I might be really depressed. I might be withdrawn. This year I wanted to celebrate my mother's life. I wanted my family to all get together on this one day and talk about my mom. We never talk about our mom. I don't know why. I often feel this overwhelming need and desire to talk about my mom but I don't really have anyone to turn to. If I bring her up I run the risk of hurting everyone else. Yesterday, I didn't cry. I didn't break down. I felt okay. Which is the most ridiculous way to feel on that day. Isn't it? I take some comfort in my reaction. Everyday is another day without my mother. That probably sounds odd. It's just this crazy, awkward, sad, stomach dropping, skin tingling feeling occurs when thinking about my mother being gone so long, thinking about the ten years that I have faced without her, and the years without her. It's sad and difficult. I think my mom would actually be proud of me for not breaking down. I just hope I can keep it up.

It's just crazy that it has been so long.